Seven Ways to Come Back to Life After Suffering the Death of a Loved One
After suffering the death of a beloved, most of us see no possible way we can recover or ever again find any joy in living.
To start making your way back to health and happiness after losing a loved one, try out these 7 actions:
- Journal your feelings without holding back. Allow yourself to vent every thought, feeling and emotion regardless of how “good or bad” they seem.
- Enlist support and help from your local hospice or bereavement group.
- Give yourself permission to take “as long as it takes” to recover.
- Do something for someone else. Volunteer to help others.
- Take care of yourself by doing things that make you feel better. Try getting regular massages, taking long walks, listening to music, and sleeping in.
- Do something different during holiday times; find new ways to celebrate, and establish new traditions.
- Talk about your loved one to friends and family. Encourage them to speak your loved one’s name and share their favorite reminiscences with you.
At first, mental and emotional darkness engulfs us. The moment consciousness returns each morning, the overwhelming reality of our loss takes us to our knees. Is it any wonder that the ultimate stress one can suffer is the death of a loved one?
Such extreme stress takes its toll. According to the British Medical Journal, chronic job stress leads to heart disease and diabetes. Imagine what losing a loved one does! It’s been proven that the loss of a spouse can be fatal for the spouse left behind. In fact, one study discovered that people rate the death of a spouse as the number one stress of a lifetime.
The New England Journal of Medicine revealed that the death rate of a spouse accelerated after their other half was merely hospitalized. The risk of death associated with a spouse’s hospitalization is higher for men (22%) than women (16%). Not surprisingly, the year following the death of a spouse, the death rate of the surviving spouse spikes significantly.
Richard Ballo is no stranger to the stress that occurs when a spouse dies. When his beloved 38-year-old wife, Lisa, died, it took every force of will he could muster just to get out of bed in the morning. He admits he might have just stayed in bed and “waited for the inevitable,” if it weren’t for his five- and six-year-old sons, Victor and Nick, who needed him more than ever.
After the excruciating loss of his wife to cancer, Rich’s life purpose became muddled; he no longer found joy or fulfillment. His emotional state was a constant roller coaster. Not only was he suddenly thrown into the unthinkable void associated with the death of his adored life partner, but he found himself wrestling with the death of his dreams as well.
Rich and Lisa had bought a house in Naples, Florida prior to Lisa’s death. Together they dreamed of watching their boys grow and thrive in this new environment. But fate laid another plan. Rich was unceremoniously shoved into solo parenthood. After Lisa’s death, he even lost his appetite for living, including his writing career.
Rich’s health and well-being were in jeopardy and his emotions were in turmoil as he found himself and his sons moving to Florida from Massachusetts in an attempt to carry on his and Lisa’s joint dream. The only problem was, Lisa was not part of this picture. The stress was so great, Rich even wound up in the hospital with chest pains.
Zombie-like, Rich went through the motions, but his heart was crushed, and life had lost all of its joy. Following the dictates of society that men should not show emotion, Rich wept in private. Eventually, his old urge to write took over and became a pivotal factor to save him. He silently turned to his notepad for comfort. Everyday he journaled his thoughts and feelings as he navigated the course of his new life. Journaling gave him a “safe” place to express the “un-expressible” and to ventilate his feelings. Without this outlet, the toll on his health would likely have been catastrophic.
Poetically, years later his grief journal became an award winning book – Life Without Lisa: A Widowed Father’s Compelling Journey Through the Rough Seas of Grief. President of the Florida Publishers Association, chose Life Without Lisa for the President’s Award because “it has the potential to help thousands of people through one of life’s greatest challenges — the passing of a loved one.”
Now, more than a decade-and-a-half after Lisa’s death, Rich speaks to people across the country, sharing his personal story, lending an understanding ear and revealing what most helped him pull out of the deepest, darkest hole and return to a meaningful life.
Without question, journaling was the number one therapy Rich used to regain his emotional and mental health. Little by little, his own written words charted his healing process. In addition, he took advantage of bereavement counseling offered by Avow Hospice in his adopted hometown of Naples, Florida, for both him and his boys. At hospice, he found a support system to bolster his shattered emotional body, guidance to assist in his decision making and programs to help his suffering sons.
When all was said and done, Rich gained help from a number of sources and activities. Because Rich took steps to help himself through his darkest times, he was able to avoid severe health challenges. Today he is well and happy. He sits on the board of directors at Avow Hospice in Naples, FL, is President of Kiwanis, and has funded scholarships at his alma mater, Suffolk University and, in Lisa’s memory, at Florida Gulf State University.
His boys aren’t little any more and have grown into strong, well-balanced, happy young men. Once again, Rich’s life is full, meaningful and happy. Despite the fact that he didn’t think that could ever be possible, the steps he took to help himself paid off in the most meaningful of ways.
I lost my husband 15th July 2016 and trying to overcome my grief but most times I get too emotional and little things trigger it.Feeling sorry for myself and feeling unloved and like no ones cares about what I am going through.Is it part of grief or what is it?Thanks.
I lost my husband Dec 19 2016. I feel the same as you.
I am truly lost from my husband dying last January.
This article was enlightening that eventually I will recover.
Thank you for your kind words,and I,wish you,the best in recovery.
Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. Dec 13th 2020. I am heartbroken and live in a constant state of sadnesses. I really don’t want to go on, but I will live the best life I can so I can be with him when it’s my time. Reading your story and all the responses you got gives me hope.
I Pray you find comfort. Hope you have good support. I am having a very hard time. Lost my husband June 14 2021. Feel lost. My grown kids are trying. They have lives. He was my life. Reading everything I can for encouragement. This is very good. Gives hope. They say time heals, sure Hope that’s true.
I lost my wife to Covid on June 4 2021 and it seems to have gotten a little better but I’m still lost. My kids are grown. My youngest daughter still struggles. I feel like I failed. My job was to protect her and I couldn’t. Not sure how to start over at this point. One year and I still have no motivation. Just had my first grand baby and she’s awesome. And it kills me that my wife is missing holding her.
Hi Llien
Thank you for kind words.
Yes, you will make it through. YOu will come to a place of peace.
Richard
So sorry to hear about your loss. It’s only three months since I lost my husband.
Went in for a procedure and died.! I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, my heart is broken.
I lost my Husband and my Mom in one week due to Covid-19….20/07/2020 & 26/07/2020….I’m still bleeding
My husband died June 2010, I was devestated and needed answers! I saw a dark shadow of him 2 weeks prior to his death, still can’t understand this? Accidentally met someone 3 months after his death who in 11 months took me for everything I had. In therapy over this now. My Son (26) died almost exactly 7 years after his Dad. Again; devestated!! Then in February this year, my Daughter (31) died.. I have learned to NEVER say “what next”..! Not sure I’ll ever get over the horrible grief.. Nothing can prepare you for this kind of lifes tragedies… Wish there was a magic wand to make everything better…..
Hi Carrie
I am so sorry for your multiple losses.
I have a friend who lost her husband, then a boyfriend, then her daughter. It was devastating.
She wonders why she is still living if everyone id gone.
She goes through each day, still working, getting some peace over time and from good friends who give her a hug, and talk about her daughter to validate her life.
My best to you
My husband died las9January2021. I thought I would survive this year. I volunteered alot. It made me feel better. Reading your article I feel I will survive this loss.
Thank you for reading my article.
Yes, each day can be a challange but we face it knowing that we loved.
Hi Carrie,
I am so sorry for your loss
To lose your children after losing a partner, and then a bf who took you for everything….
I can’t imagine how that feels….
If I lost any of my kids, I think I would rather be dead…
But, I guess, people will tell you to find purpose & meaning in all of that
That is something that is really hard to do, it’s not impossible though
Volunteering to help others, is what saved me, & a faith as well.
Carrie, Life can be so very hard. It feels like there is nothing left. Yet when you stop and look around you still have life, Precious and a gift. You are a gift! Some one needs your presence, smile your help, at the place you are arriving to.
Other people have experienced your
losses too. We are not unique. Yet we were created to love and give and share. Look at a young childs beautiful face, a baby, Flowers on your patio blooming and enjoy seeing life happening.Dont stop!
Pick up your faith in yourself, and deepen your roots in your spirit to live.
Iam doing the same. 15 days ago I lost the love of my life. But every day I pray God’s strength to bring a new day to loveTolliver.
I pray God lift you above your circumstances.
Hi Carrie I read your story about the loss you’ve experienced. I lost two husbands in five years and didn’t think there was anyone else in the world I’ve gone through such loss but apparently I was wrong after reading your story I realize we share so much in common I hope that God blesses you and takes care of you because the Bible says widows are to be well watched over and taken care of.
Carrie, I cannot fathom the pain that you are going through. My wife of 59 years recently passed and I am convinced that the good Lord took her to make heaven a better place for Him to live, given the current bad situation going on in today’s world. I also believe He took your fine family to his heaven for the same reasons. You will see them again one day and until then I pray for you. I honestly believe this.
Carrie I know how you feel I lost my daughter should domestic violence in 2014 at age 19 then I lost my stepdaughter to domestic murder at age 19 in 2017 then my husband died of colon cancer nine months after treatment in 2019 I have tried everything to get better but it seems like my wife is over and I don’t know how to pick it up you are not alone where are wounded
Hi Carrie
I dont know you. But I’m deeply sorry for your loss. May you find peace and comfort. I am not a religious person but my late hubby was ( passed Dec 2021). I am blessed to semi function because of prayers and wanting to get better. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got nowhere other times I feel 0.5-1% better. Which is alot from someone who thought I would never start to recover and my emotions were irreversible.
I’ve lost my long time Lady. No we weren’t married but she was still my wife. She died 6 weeks ago people say 2me time is a healer but I feel worse now than ever.I really do hope u find happiness & peace in ur life Carrie. Take care
I HAVE ALSO THE SAME FEELINGS. AM ALSO ALONE AND FEEL THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME.
TRY REAL HARD TO ENJOY ERRANDS LIKE I DID BACK THEN AND THIS JUST DOES NOT HAPPEN
WATCHING MOVIES MAKES ME CRY. LONELINESS MAKES ME CRY ALMOST EVERY DAY.
8 YEARS OF SADNESS. I TRY REAL HARD TO FULFILL MY DAYS AND NIGHTS. HAVE TO FORCE
MYSELF AND JUST WANT THE TIME TO GET OVER WITH AND GO AWAY.
DO NOT KNOW IF COUNSELING WILL HELP. DO NOT HAVE A COMPANION.
AM A VERY ATTRACTIVE PERSON. ALL THE MEN THAT APPROACH ME ARE WRONG AND
HAVE NO MANNERS.
DO NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT
Hi
Thank you for responding to Dorothy.
We can share and help each other with our grief.
A companion will come along one day and you will see it. It happened to me, after many false starts.
I wish you the best.
Hi, my name is Janice and lost Harold my husband in May 2017. I was working hospice as a nurse at that time so knew a lot about the bereavement process, “gone from my sight” booklet. I never thought I’d be standing over my deceased husband, it was surereal! Anyway, I had to teach myself the grieving process I would teach family members after the loss of their loved one. I have gone through most of everything and every feeling as you have, and have found that over time you learn to grieve in positive ways. It never goes away, the loss, the loneliness, the anger, could have should have senerio. Even anger at god. But remember, you are not alone! The lord knows your grief, give it to him and he will give you peace of mind and heart. You will see your spouse again in heaven. He is probably busy learning greater principles, happy, and praying for you. He wants you to be happy and succeed. So be strong, see the good in yourself and others. Help others. You are valuable to our Heavenly Father! So take heart. Pray daily and discover what things the lord wants you to accomplish in this life. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Thanks for your repla and I am sorry for your loss
That was absolutely beautiful but you wrote. I just lost my soulmate at he was 52 to pancreatic cancer but just came out of nowhere we were just married not even 3 years and I’m all alone and I don’t even want to live. He was the most amazing man and liked by everyone he was healthy he was a runner he ate well and out of nowhere and came and after two marriages he was my prince and took such good care of me and I feel like a blanket was ripped off me and I’m just alone and I don’t understand why this happened and I can’t seem to move forward. It’s been 9 months and I don’t know what to do I don’t want to live I don’t find joy I’ve done the counseling I’ve done the journaling I try to work through my feelings I am praying I’m trying to believe in God I’m trying to have faith that he is up there that he’s watching me that I’m here for a reason instead of him. I think it should have been me gone not him. He barely got to see his beautiful granddaughter he got to hold her once and she’s amazing and I’m here with her and it’s not my grandchild and I don’t think that’s very fair. I’m just a wreck but what you wrote was inspiring thank you. Dawn
That was just worded perfectly. Thank you
i ‘m sorry you feel this way ” DO NOT HAVE A COMPANION ” is the worst part of all !!.
i’m now 2 years as a widower, when june comes around i get mad at little things and then i go ” oh yea it’s that time again. ”
last weekend was hard ——– a long weekend here in canada, everyone had something to do but me
maybe start and be selfish , you come first ( unless you have young kids )
it’s a shitty world sometimes and maybe it’s best to say the hell with everything else , i’m # 1 !!!!
Hi I lost my partner 2020 to cancer was only 52 it is very hard to live on but we have to I am the person to carry on with all her memories I’ve still on my own don’t want to go with anyone else too many rip off mercents out there I work 40hrs a wk and with a pet and housework don’t have time to sit around and get upset it’s in your head all the time we just learn to accept it nothing you do can change what has happened I will love her forever till its time to be with her
Hi im Robert from australia lost my spouse 2 years ago died in her sleep im doing my best im 57 we had a wonderful 16 years together with the ups and downs .Im working fulltime to get past each day, im always talking to her it helps but going nowhere if you need a good friend thanking you .
Stay strong and focus it helps in same way xx
I lost my wife in 2018, I felt alone my whole life until I met her, Coming from a very selfish disfunctional home . I had no support after the loss not even memorial attendance by one family member or call.. I was left to raise my stepson and see my stepdaughter go to a dad who had no hand in raising her.. It was an interracial relationship and I am African American . My whole world was thrown into darkness.. My son is now in the military, I am retired and now back to the loneliness. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to have that joy again after 12 years of happiness.. I’m not a young man anymore and have no idea if I’ll ever recover.
I lost my husband 2016 and this is exactly how I feel. Like my siblings just think I should be my old cheerful self. I don’t believe I will ever feel joy again.
Hello Dorothy. It’s interesting how. Life works a how we feel our loved ones. How much we miss them when there not with us. I. Lost my wife 2018. Valentines night comming home from work. It. Doesn’t mater how much money. You have or. What you own. Or live ,, it’s. The. Love you had for each other ,, that counts. I’ve been lost for 5 years now still sad lonly. Missing. My world. The hardest thing now in my life. Is. To move on with. Out her. And who I had , I feel. Guilty to live the rest of my life with out. Her. The house is quiet. I hear the clock. ,,,, 2nds. Ticken What a horrible. Thing we all been thru. To lose your spouse or a child , now one can tell you how to feel ,, you have the power inside you to comfort. Yourself. I found that out but you take your time. For you ,, each breath you breath in. Exhale. Each baby step for. You , you go at your speed. Nobody else. Has no idea. What your feeling Your body went thru shock don’t let other people tell you what you need to do. You know. You just need your space. And in time. You will know. What to do What your feeling is normal. I have felt a lot of. Emptiness Sadness. Crying. Missing. Upset , didn’t want to eat. Or. Drink. But just. Think ?? I wanted to. Die. , to be with her. , But it’s not my time ! I want to hug. All of you. Who are in. Here We. All have to keep trying. And. To keep. Going. Don’t hold your feelings in If you have to cry. Do it It’s ok. Talk to them ,,there with you ,,there Angles are with you ,, god Bless you. All
my wife died at 49 this past August and as you wrote, ou dreams died. I go to work and try my best to keep my two children 8 & 10 as happy as possible but I am miserable. Dorothy its not that no one cares but everyone is busy with their lives–life goes on every day and at least for me i dont think I can really share my thougths with anyone either because they dont really comprehend or I dont want them worrying about me.
I understand your thoughts. That no one knows what you are going through except you, and those who have gone through grief, and grief counselors. too. Most people can’t comprehend the devastation that the loss of a spouse brings. They can’t understand because it is our personal loss, not theirs. I found that writing helped me get my thoughts out so I could understand them. Grief therapy groups worked for me too. Life does go on with people who don’t understand. The first year is tough because each day is the first day without her. First January, February, and so on. Hang in there. Grieving changes us and how we react to the world. You will get through this, it will be okay, just take a minute, an hour, or a day at a time. My best to you.
My husband died January 1, 2019
It was sudden. In our back yard. I was with him. He was 58. Very sudden. I’m having a hard time moving on.
HI
The quick, sudden death gives you no time to prepare.
You have made it this far, and you will make it longer.
Grieving, and all the questions and emotions that go with it, are hard to deal with.
Deal with one issue at a time.
I wish you the best
Thank you
My partner 40 years died a slow painful death and he was strong for a few months later his body I wish I did not have to live a nightmare that never ended would not not wish this on my enemy but I told but I told him I love him I love him until he didn’t call back anymore he would hum
I feel the same way. We were planning our summer and couldn’t wait for our grandkids to visit on the 4th holiday. We had a great night before he passed. Who would have ever thought something so devastating would ever happen. The next day early in the morning my fit husband died when an aneurysm burst. He was 66 years old and we had just had our 46th anniversary. He died on June 25th 2021. I am still in disbelief, sad angry etc. I am hoping someday I feel a little better. I know i will never be happy again.
My whole life fell apart when my husband died of cancer in April 2018 I never loved anyone in my life like I loved him. I knew he loved me in the same way I could always feel his love.
we wete together for 44 years.. I cry every single day for him and cannot get put of bed for 3 to 4 days at a time. I just lay there and think about him and cry. He was the most wonderful man I ever knew. Kind and so rhoughtful. He was so liked by everyone who knew him. Every Birtjfsy of mine , he epuld buy me Roses. After he died, on my birthday I would put my favourite vase out that he gave me 40 years ago , snd when I got up in the morning on my birthday I wpuld run dowstairs to see if any roses were in the vase. But that never happened. I know I was dilusionsl. But I really thought he woukd come home and put those roses in the vase he bought for me. .
I still sleep with his pajamas , .I have been suicidal for quite sometime now. I try very hard to help myself. I am seeing a psychistrist also. NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM ANYMORE. . He was my world . I know it is 20
monrhs since he died, but I have no reason to be happy anymore. He gave me hope . I never had anyone love me in my life except for him. I never knew such love . I wrapped my life around him snd adored everything about him. What do I do now. We had no children. It was just him and me.
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way.
Thanks for your participation and support of others.
Hi Sherry,
I am so heartbroken for you. I lost my husband “ my everything “ 52 days ago. The words you spoke of the love and life between you and your husband could have been about my husband and I. After reading what you wrote, I don’t need any words to explain my life, my love, my world. Your words, my heart.
I know the pain only too well I was with the love of my life for 37 years and almost 4 months he went to heaven August 26, 2019 I cry every day I go to work every day and I have to remind myself to breathe but I will tell you one thing if you can pick yourself up and breathe and pay attention to your surroundings you will be amazed at the signs your husband is sending you I have had so many small signs it’s such a gift I cannot tell you,,, We traveled a lot and when we went away my husband would always buy me chocolate dip strawberries and whenever possible if there was a pearl necklace or pearl bracelet or ring that I really loved he would always buy it for me. the cleaners called me and asked me if I could drop by one day they don’t know us that well it’s just hi how are you how are you and the kids type of conversation she handed me a bag and told me to go home that was the day before Valentines .I went home and I opened the bag and in the bag was six chocolate dip strawberries and then a little bag was a tiny little angel holding her hand out. With a pearl in it I cried so hard tears of joy in it was just the most amazing thing..,Please believe that he’s around because he is trust me look for the signs you need to get up and get out of that bed find a hobby call a friend please apparently we all have contracts and your husband and my husband’s contracts were up.,, that no matter how hard we didn’t want it to be so please try trust me the other thing you could do is go see a good medium you will be amazed at the insight that they give you..,,
Thank you for replay to Connie and sharing your signs from your loved one.
Many people know what signs show them and they find them too.
Everyday can be a struggle but it is a struggle worth doing. Our deceased loved ones wanted us to be happy.
They still want us to be happy.
Thank you! This really helped me!!
I lost my husband to cancer on March of 2018 and it still feels like yesterday. Yes, we have to believe that they are with us and look for signs. I went to a few mediums and I have to say that is what is keeping me going each day. The validations, the feathers, dimes, animals, etc, that he sends in my path. Talk with your husbands, they are there. Let them know your struggles.
I also found out what my spirit animals were and I also speak to the angels and my ancestors for assistance in the many struggles in life.
I love to write and wrote a book of poems about my grief. I also go for long walks and attended a support group for six weeks.
Best of luck.
Thank you That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I put just moping around for eight months after I lost the man of my dreams. So I will do what you said and pray it works
On what would have been my 27th anniversary, my neighbor showed up with two dozen yellow roses. She said Jesus told her to buy these for me. She didn’t know that I always received yellow roses from my love. She didn’t even know it was my anniversary. I keep looking for signs. It’s only been a little over a year, but it feels like forever. I can’t seem to get over it.
Connie, my thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope your doing ok? I lost my partner just this April to the virus, I could not be with him. We were waiting for our surgery date as I was going to be giving him a kidney. My whole world collapsed and I still don’t know how il ever go forward with life without him being part of it and everything I do, we had so many beautiful plans together and there now gone…I know he will walk by my side everyday and I will carry him in my heart forever until we meet but the sadness & pain of him not being here breaks my heart. He was such a kind caring genuine & true to his word man, he was loved beyond belief more than he ever knew and an inspiration to people around the world. I’m so lucky and absolutely blessed that he chose me to be his forever partner and love of his life…..I love the way he loved me. I will miss him deeply forever…..xxx
Lou
thank you for your comments to Connie.
I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my life plans when my wife died. It was so hard to accept.
He will always be with you in your heart and mind.
There is reunion after life, I believe, that will heal us and our partners.
Thank you
All the best
Lou,
It made me feel not so alone when I read your comment to Connie.
I lost my husband after a tortuous 69 day battle with Covid-19. Afterwards, I hoped and prayed in my state of complete mental and physical exhaustion, that I would get sick from the virus again and follow my beloved.
I placed all of my eggs in one basket when I began my life together with Sammy. Our marriage was full of love, and happiness. From the simplest of things, like our early morning ritual of cuddling together every morning in bed, to frequent adventures in traveling. From drying off each other’s backs after showering, to watching movies late at night in bed, with popcorn. I happily dedicated every moment to him, and “us.”
I had nothing, zero, when he passed. My eggs are all gone, busted. It has been 64 days since the most generous, loving, innocent, exciting, dependable, tender partner in life departed and I am still lost without him. I am as lost today as I was on day 3, or day 23.
I am lost. Oh yeah, and hopeless.
Connie… Thank you for your heart felt story. Please know there are others who you can help everyday with your Love. Please seek the wisdom and love of Jesus, who loves us all and gives us fellowship, Grace and Peace.
I was married for 49 years my dear wife died unexpectedly and quickly in sept 2021 she was a healthy and very beautiful Scandinavian women we weren’t vaxxed so I had at least 8 8people tell me to my face that I killed my wife it has been very difficult for ne
I feel your pain, I lost my lovely caring husband June 2020, during this horrible pandemic. I can not describe how painful it has been. I am just taking a day at a time. I have been feeling so scared, I don’t know what the future will be like without my darling husband. But I know what you are going through.
HI Karen
I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. The pandemic has made losing someone so much more painful.
Do you best to go through each day.
I too lost my husband to Covid on 9/4/21. 58 yrs old. Such a hard time getting through the holidays. I’m writing this on Christmas day..
I just lost my lovely wife 11-16-20 I feel like you do I hope things get better for you
Richard my heart truly breaks for you. I lost my brother in 2013, my husband in 2014 and my youngest son in 2015. It was more than I could handle. I am walking around numb and I wake up every day with that horrible pit in my stomach and realize what has happened is real and wish the hurt would somehow go away. It has been 5 years and I have no friends except my 90 year neighbor and my oldest son that has been so messed up from his brother’s death, he barely leaves the house. We are all in a horrible mess, we cannot dig ourselves out of. I wish my brothers and sisters, and the life with many friends I had before didn’t just disappear, but they did. I don’t blame rhem, it’s just the way it worked out. I have reached out to my family, but it is too painful for them to handle and the conversations that have eventually just become polite holiday texts, are awkward. This is hurtful, but I don’t blame them. It is just life. But I feel like my life is just motions I go through to get to the end which is just welcoming my death. I have physical problems I try to manage my grief. I wish I had uplifting things to say, but like the post above me that said ” I would rather be dead if I lost my daughter”– that is exactly how I feel.
I feel exactly the same Connie
Even though I have 4 fantastic children
I just want my husband of 42 years back
Hello Connie,
Just reading you made me feel like reading my soul. I didn t know anyone could feel like I feel unfortunalty…I lost my husband last year of Cancer after 7 years of pathway through this terrible illness, he was my soul mate and when he died I felt he tool my soul with him above and now I feel like a Zombie left on earth wandering and wondering why? What to do? We didn t have children because I was looking after my husband always we were always the 2 of us and my husband always looking after me always saying he loved me he was everything for me and he taught me many things and what true love is now I know it exists but I don t know what to do with it now without him on my side??I have no family, no friends, only my husband who is watching me and waiting for me to join him and I am thinking more and more to do so quickly even though I am only 40 years old because I dont see and don t want to be with amyone else than my husband and I am tired to live like a thief or having to lie when people asking me are you married? Because I am married but when they ask me where is my husband if I say the thruth I only get more trouble it s terrible how people take advantage of the misery of people…If you want to talk with me I am here I can understand what you are going through….take care x
I didn’t think I’d ever hear someone say the exact feelings I’m feeling I’m so sorry for your loss as I lost my soulmate to pancreatic cancer 8 months ago
I feel the same exact way..
Connie
You could be my twin
I feel the same way about my husband
He was my life. He was my family
He was my everything
I walk around empty. Empty from any joy
No interest in anything. All our dreams, hopes, plans , purpose of life – all died with him. So suddenly. I have no reason to go on. Life is meaningless now. I am waiting for the day to be over. I can barely crawl out of bed. What for? I ask myself
Food doesn’t taste the same, can’t read a book anymore, no tv or movies, nothing holds my interest. I wish I had the courage to die.
Pls don’t think of suside
You are correct, suicide solves nothing and makes more people grieve.
I feel the same way I lost my soulmate at 52 8 months ago although we were only together for years he took care of me rub my feet brushed my hair did everything we never fought once and he died of pancreatic cancer when he was so healthy. He was a runner he ate well and he was just a caretaker and I feel like you I don’t want to live I have no reason he was my blanket and I feel like it was ripped off. I’ve tried everything but it’s helping reading that other people are feeling the same way because nobody nobody knows how each person feels with their grief. What they think about I’m still cloudy. I can’t remember a lot of stuff and I just don’t know what to do. But reading these posts has helped me a little bit and I hope in time I’ll find joy but I don’t want to be with anyone ever again and I’m only 54 but I’m done.
As first you got your chiildren. to care for and you got stay strong for them because your wife left you with. Then see after then. You not a long. Kid still there And people do listen for me it just was. Me and my husband of 31 year no kid but read your story. Help me feel better to listening .
Got hit with a double whammy, lost my wife the day after Christmas unexpectedly at 44 years old, then 2/12 lost my job. The only thing that keeps me going is my 9 year old step daughter and my 4 years old daughter. Rollercoaster of emotions isn’t the word. One day I’m happy go lucky, then outta nowhere I’m crying, varied 1 minute to the next minute. Thank you for the ideas.
I am sorry for the double loss. I can relate because I lost my wife days before Christmas, and then 4 months later gave our foster daughter, through the adoption agency, to another family. Help your kids have a happy a life as possible. The one day up and then next down sound like grief attacks. They come out of nowhere and slam you. They will subside, you will find a rhythm to your life. You will be okay.
Jim, how can they lay you off two months after losing your wife? Then again, that is what this whole system has done to humanity, I was given notice the day I told my boss that my father was dying, I hope you will go back to work, even part time, because that helps to deal with the grief.
I can feel your pain. Lost my Dad in 2018, lost my job in 2019, covid hit me and my wife in 2020 , and in 2021 lost my wife. These last few year have been total hell and I have a hard time just functioning . I see a light at the end of the tunnel but not sure if its daylight or an oncoming train.
My husband died in 2005. I’ve been on 1 date 10 years after he died and felt like I was cheating on him. I haven’t tried since then and my life is so lonely
Hi
I understand the lonely part of losing a spouse and the horrid thoughts of dating.
It can be very hard to move on. You have to set your sights on what you want, and from your comments that is not being a lone.
Like anything we want to do, it takes practice, and that includes dating.
Yes, it will be hard. It will seems like cheating, it is very uncomfortable to change your mind and actions to get where you want to be.
It has been done. I thought I did it within 5 years, but I didn’t marry again until 20 years after my wife passed.
I had to get used to the idea of being with someone else, and everyone else had to get use to it too.
It takes practice. It is not cheating because the person you would cheat on is no longer here, as hard it is to say or acknowledge.
My best to you
I lost my girlfriend unexpectedly we did not know this was going to happen she had an aneurism and went into a coma well being Operated on never came out and I had to choose between her being a Vegetable all of what would be her life. I also have an 4 year old who is autistic and needs around the clock care.
My decision Haunts me everyday and It’s been a year now and I still can’t find my happy again. No Matter what I’m doing!
My husband died on November 14th of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. A year before his diagnosis it was his dream to move to Florida from New Hampshire so we did. I quit my job in Boston at age 52 he retired at age 60, and we moved. Then this past October 12, 2018 he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We came back to Massachusetts so he could be with his family (adult children from his first marriage and his siblings and his 92 year old father). He died next to me in his sleep. I have no children of my own from my first marriage and I sold our house in Florida. I did buy a condo in Florida to rent out until I am ready to return there. I have been living with my parents in New Hampshire and seeking therapy while trying to handle the devastating loss of my beloved David. I am so broken and all I want to do is hide from the world. I am an introvert by nature and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks for years which I am being for. The death of my husband and my grief and suffering has made my condition worse. I am trying to find joy again and to live.
Jenifer
My husband also died of pancreatic cancer. It took such a short time. We missed Christmas and January 1st 2021 he passed away. I don’t know what is right or wrong so I stay here alone.
Jennifer I know how you feel I just lost my husband to pancreatic cancer he was fine healthy was a runner only 52 only been married 3 years and planning to move to Florida as well. And we found out any lasted a year and I was convinced he was going to feel okay but I didn’t realize that it was absolutely not curable. I asked myself why didn’t we know before I don’t understand he had no signs until it was too late. And I don’t know why he was taking away cuz he was an incredible husband father friend he was just an amazing person. But I know exactly how you feel and I pray for you and I feel exactly the same way you do. If you read this and you want to email me please I’d love to talk
My dear husband passed four years ago at age 59 from AML. I go through the motions of life with anger, sadness and hopelessness every day, but no one knows it. I feel like a fake – smiling outwardly, aching inside. No joy, and every little thing is a chore. There just has to be more.
My beloved husband died on Sept 5th, 2019. I can’t get motivated to move off of this couch. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out now. The loneliness is destroying me. My parents are gone, my sister won’t talk to me, my brother lives in another state. I can’t keep living this way. aI feel I’m standing in the middle of the world, and there’s no one there but me. The only reason I’m here, I have a son with seizures. I can’t leave him. David was my husband for 5 months shy of 45 years . We grew up together. He was everything to me. Now he’s not here anymore.
You are not alone Teresa. I am feeling your pain right now. My Partner of 23 years passed away on Feb 1st.
For me it has been haunting. Everywhere I turn, there’s a memory. It’s so overwhelming.
At night it’s probably the worst.
I think I will be okay, but it’s going to take time.
You are definitely not alone. I hear you and feel you
HI Joseph
I am sorry for your loss.
When my wife died the nights were the worst. I didn’t want to sleep, and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
You will be okay.
all my best
Richard
Dear Teresa, Your story struck home to me. I lost my husband Jan 8,2021 from colon cancer. I also have no parents, sister that I, for a change won’t talk to that moved to Florida beginning of November, 2020 without saying goodbye, and my only living brother lives in Iowa. I live near Pittsburgh, PA. I lost my other two brothers over the past 7 years. I can relate because I feel like I’m on an island. We were married 31 years and loved me unconditionally like no one ever has.
I too lost my husband of 44 years to colon cancer. He died on June 10, 2021. He was diagnosed about two years ago. For most of the two years he was able to live an almost normal life albeit having to go to regular treatments, procedures, tests, surgery, etc. After there could be no more treatments he went down hill very quickly. He didn’t want anyone to know and I respected his wishes until he went into hospice. He was a very strong man and never complained. I am not strong and I was terrified. Although technically we were married for 44 years (due to the Supreme Court ruling making marriage possible for us, retroactive, and (Pittsburgh) Pennsylvania having been a common law state up until 2005), we were married in Toronto in 2004. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Being married made it much easier to deal with his medical care. Our families and friends have been very supportive which helps tremendously. He was and is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. Living without him is extremely hard. I live in the house we bought 34 years ago. I am surrounded by all our memories. Talking about him to friends and relatives helps me cope, at least so far. I have no idea what the future holds. At the moment my future appears to be bleak without him. Sometimes I feel like I will go crazy. I am getting counseling which seems to help. But, is there anything that can really help? Somewhere I heard that grief is the price we pay for having loved someone. At times, I’m anxious, fearful, and lonely. I asked my PCP to prescribe some medication to help with anxiety, etc. With some reservations, she did give me a prescription, enough to last 10 days with no refills. This is to be used as needed. So far I’m afraid to use it due to possible side effects. It may blunt my anxiety but I’m not sure what other effects there might be. It does provide some comfort knowing I have it available if things become unbearable. Once he was diagnosed, our plans for the future were on hold. Slowly but surely we had to abandon any plans we had. I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. If it wasn’t for our cat, I would likely stay in bed much longer. My husband was able to retire early – his work life was never easy. I was glad he was able to do exactly what he wanted for many years. I like my work – or at least I used to – and plan to return to work shortly. I’m hoping it will give me something interesting on which to focus. I would like to volunteer at an animal shelter but am seriously concerned I would need to bring as many animals as possible home with me. It would be hard to see unloved and abandoned pets and not be able to give them a home. Everything makes me sad and afraid. I have the TVs or radios on all the time when I’m not sleeping. Just a moment ago I went to turn down the sound because I didn’t want to disturb my husband. I have to remember he is not here and will never be here again. It was incredibly hard to see him leave our home for the last time by ambulance to the hospice. He probably knew before I knew for sure he would likely never return. I still hoped he would be able to return home after they managed his pain. I was always hoping he would live at least a little longer. He didn’t even last two days in the hospice, that’s how fast he went down hill. The morning of the day he went to hospice I could talk to him and he could still walk and get around (steps were all but impossible). I could still talk with him after he was situated in his bed at the hospice in the early afternoon. By that night he was unconscious and never regained consciousness.
I lost my husband suddenly from AML too. While I am struggling through the waves of grief, that drop me to my knees, have learned that finding authentic joy is tough because we build in our own mechanism, through self pity to find the strength for purpose. It may help to search within for a passion that can open your mind to a new dimension. Finding a passion and turning it into a gift for someone else may plant a small seed of joy. Nourishing that crop may bring more fulfilling joy to you. I believe that is what is meant by the joy is in the giving. I’m challenged with my deficit joy account and need to also replenish.
I lost my husband throyghAML 4 weeks ago. He had tonsilitis and mouth sores and was tested fir Covid and then put on an antobiotic. I jst want to sleep but my adult kids keep textin and call. I was with my husband for 40 years. I am 61 he was 63. Our flights are booked forItaly in July. I lloved him.He was sick for two weeks. I want to sleep lm trying to understand what you say. I found an Angel site today and it helped.
Definitely changes over time. Is definitely worse but different as it nears the one year mark. I wonder if joy will ever return to my life. I’m starting to feel like I did before I met my husband of 31 years. You go thru the motions, you enjoy stuff, laugh at jokes, etc. But life has no joy or meaning.
I lost my husband to suicide in 2013. We had been married for 25 years and had just renewed our marriage in Hawaii 9 weeks before he took his life, he seemed perfectly normal and the happiest we had been. We lived in a beautiful home on the water in SW Florida, had a wonderful semi-retired life and my life as I knew it ended that dreadful day when he disappeared from his jobsite, missing for 5 days before he was found in his truck in a remote wooded area, he had taken his life with his gun. I’ve been grieving and trying to find my way through life now for 6 years. Could not keep the lifestyle we shared together and lost my retirement home with the fall out of his death. Fought for his union retirement, our life insurance policies, but because of his suicide and his refusal to take medications for his mental illness I was left with nothing. Lost my job 2 years after his death that I had been at for 15 years. I now live with my sister in the Pacific Northwest where I am miserable, cold and lonely. I have started a new job, but starting over again at almost 60 years old is a humbling experience that I would not wish on anyone. I’ve been getting the help I need through therapy, but that really has not helped me at all. Found some group therapy, but that does not help either. Not sure where to turn anymore, no Plan B, just a Plan A that did not work out for me. I’ve read every grief book, tried to have god in my heart, but nothing works for me. All I have is this horrible emptiness and loss. God has a plan for each of us, yea right.
Dear Yuri
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, which is tragic, but also for all the other losses that have come into your life. I don’t know what to say. My heart breaks for your losses. Say open for healing. You still have a ling life to life. Surprises do happen. They happened to me, and a friend who was in a similar situation to you. Take care
I know how you feel. 2016 we had to take our oldest daughter off life support. We tried support groups and therapists. Then nov 2019 my wife shot herself. The emptiness is over whelming. I go to work. That doesn’t help me because everyone makes me feel like they tip toe around me so they don’t upset me. The daughter I have left lives a long way off. I see her as much as possible but she worries about me and I worry about her,so we mostly try to stay busy when we see each other. Siblings just say I should remember the good times and get on with my life. Not possible. I too had no plan B. Aug 29 will/would be our 40 th anniversary. I see a therapist which may help eventually ? I wish you the best!
Lisa
You made the best decision you could at the time. You didn’t want her to live a vegetable. I didn’t want that for my wife either.
Finding happiness comes with getting back to who you are and that also includes accepting the decision you have made.
There is no timetable to find happiness, even though we want it quickly.
You did what you did out of love and that is never wrong.
I hope you find the peace and happiness you desire.
I lost my wife of 64 years ten days after her 83 birthday and all I do is cry day after day, I just turned 86 and I feel that I have no purpose in life anymore. My happiness has been to take care of her in every way possible to make her life easier. She had many health issues but always came through every time and never complained. Her death was due to negligence while in a hospital and I cannot get that anger and frustration that is keeping me in total despair. I am attending grief counseling and hoping it will help me.
Robert I am sorry for your loss. Your purpose was caring for your wife and now that is not there. What a lost and empty feeling. When they don’t comeback like they did. it is agony, and guilt. Worse, the hospital hurt her.
Grief counseling will help by helping you identify the feelings you are going through and the best way to heal from them. We wish you well. Thanks for sharing your story.
I lost my husband 1 1/2 yrs ago. Being alone is hell. I took care of him for 7 years with Alzheimers. I hear life gets better, not yet it hasnt. Don’t know what to do with my life. Can’t find a reason to go on. No one to share with. It’s tough! Did enough caregiving, don’t want to volunteer. So… where do l go from here? God has been my help. We talk a lot in the middle of the night.
Dear Retta
If God helps you then continue to talk to him. He will guide you to what is next.
A year and a half is a tough place to be: still grieving, lonely, and lost. I remember those days.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you find the place God wants you.
Grief is very hard. I lost my husband of 49 years 5 years ago and I’m ‘just beginning to feel better. Grief is life changing, but eventually you will begin to live again. “Weeping lasts for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.” Everyone is different and the time it takes to feel better varies. Every Christmas I write my spouse a letter as if he could hear me talk. I would bear my heart out. I place it under the Christmas tree in an envelop with a bow on it. That gester, art, writing poetry, and making jewelry as well as group therapy and individual therapy all made me feel better. LOOK UP! You will live again.
My husband of 36 years died sept.11,2018 it’s been a year and 5 months I struggle every day I do journal and try to stay busy helping others sometimes so much finally I get sick and sleep on and off for 3 days then do it agin I know it’s not good I seem to fall into that pattern I miss him so much. I hope one day I can pull it together just want to find my new normal.
Dear Carla
Thank you for sharing. Continue journaling as I found it a way to write out my grief. Then the day came where I didn’t want to write about it anymore. The second year of grief can be harder than the first because of the loneliness. Take care of your health, you will need it as you journey through the sea of grief. Your new normal is what you are in now, and normal will change as you process the emotions. Continue on, heal, journal, laugh and cry, and find a new normal life. I have.
I was married to my husband 53 years before his death in 2017…3 years later I still miss and cry for him..the emotional roller coaster goes on and on…I still work to stay busy…I am an RN but I don’t want to take care of anyone but me.. I cared for my parents, and my husband into their graves..I’m done volunteering for anything..Just caring for myself is all I can manage..
My Mother passed in 2016, husband 2017, son in 2018…so 3 years after my husband’s passing it’s all I can do to survive on a daily basis..
Merry
I am sorry for your losses. Grief upon grief, I can’t image that type of grief. I know the feeling of only giving to myself and not to others.
I can’t give to the American Cancer Society because my wife died of cancer. But I went out and tried to be active and give what I could of my time to others.
Eventually it worked.
I wish you the best.
So very sorry for your losses.
I lost my husband, my soul-mate, suddenly and tragically in October 2016. I was 50. On the outside, I am getting on with my life, working and enjoying my children. On the inside, I am still so broken. I get through my days by numbing out and pretending. I don’t think my heart will ever heal. Counseling hasn’t helped much for me. I don’t want to be depressed, but I can’t seem to find my way out. I’ll try journaling. Thank you for the suggestion.
I am sorry for your loss. It is difficult to heal the brokenness that we feel inside. Journaling is good. Even pretending is good as it works its way through us.
Keep living, search for your answers so that you come back to life.
I lost my husband and after 3 months lost my mum. Life took a big toll on me, not knowing now where to go . It has been 10 years but the pain is still there. I can feel you guys sharing your thoughts on your loss of life. I was very much shattered. My family was my support system. I still have that pain in my heart when am doing things alone and feeling loneliness.
It is okay to feel pain when you think about what has happened. You loved and therefor you grieve.
What can you do? What interest do you have that you can pursue?
Please try to be you without the pain. There sounds like there is stillhealing to do.
We wish you the best.
I lost my Husband of 23 yrs Jan 24, 2021 to Cardiac Arrest at the age of 49. My whole world has come to an end. We have 2 adult sons together, he was my childhood sweetheart. He was my very best friend & he loved me so much, consisted with his love with every passing year. I loved him with everything in me. If it wasn’t for my sons I would give up. I’m hurting so bad & so afraid of my future. He was my everything, I don’t know anything else.
I feel empty after the death of my husband,, this February from cancer , I loved him so very much., as he did myself, everything in our lives was falling in to place, then cancer destroyed every thing. He was healthy other than cancer, it is so unfair, he tried to beat cancer but courageously lost his battle for life . I stayed with him , he didn’t die with strangers, as he wanted , this 6 days broke me. , I hope to move forward with life and will , but at this time alcohol helps easy my pain still . I know that alochol isn’t cute for a broken heart , moving on know seems impossible
I am sorry for your loss.
Yes, cancer is so unfair. It doesn’t matter if you are happy together or not, it strikes.
Watching a loved one die is difficult because you want the best for them and you don’t want them to die, but dying is putting them out of pain.
I am glad you recognize that alcohol isn’t the answer.
Hard days will come in this first year. Cry, write, sleep, and grieve. This is the year to do it so you can get on with life.
take care of yourself
I have lost my 31 year old husband in an accident in Rio while he ha was using electronic scooter, he surprised me and bought the ticket to Rio as my birthday gift… on the second day of our trip he ran over by a car in front my eyes… i was kind of died after his death I can not even believe what happened to me ? to him ? and our perfect life … we were friend for 10 years and we grew up together and we had been married for 3 years .. we were planning to immigrate to Australia and have have kids… also we named our future kids…. i am done with my life and no one can understand what I am going through? i have a supportive family but they can not help me either … they just push me to change my home…I moved to a new house with all my stuff that we had together , i sleep in his pyjamas … every day i think about commiting a suicide but i know it’s not a way to cope with
HI Sheler
I am glad you recognize that suicide is not the answer. Grieving is not an easy business, It sucks when your dreams have been taken from you.
The future is only the next day that has to be lived. Live like you want to in the house you want to. It is your grief and you need to process and and live it in your own way.
Only those of us who have lost loved ones know what it is like to live without. The others only think they know and offer advice from their perspective.
Your husband was real, he and you had a life and dreams that were real. Death is a punch in your gut.
Take it one day at a time. Just one day.
Our hearts are with you
I lost my husband of 50 years without warning December 3, 2019. We had dated since I was 16. I don;t know how to live without him. I don’t know how to be just me. My heart is broken. I cry a lot. I pray for peace and comfort. I feel like I am just going through the motions of living until God takes me home.
Mickie
I am sorry for your loss. At this stage you have to go through the motions because the pain is unreal. Crying helps too.
Finding your way can be hard with new things to learn. Learning what he did and doing everything by yourself. The is the hardest doing it all and not be able to share it with your spouse.
It takes time to heal, so be patient, one minutes, or hour at a time. You will be okay.
My husband died in January. He was 42, I’m 40. We were together for 20 years and married for 14. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I hate that this is my life
I understand early widowhood. I was only 39 when my wife died. I am now 66.
I kept waking up everyday, hating most days too. Parts of me started to come part after months, but it took years before I felt I could say I was okay.
Just get through the days as best you can. The days will hurt, the first year does. But you can survive. I did.
My husband died in January. He was 42, I’m 40. We were together for 20 years and married for 14. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I hate that this is my life
I am sorry for your loss. I was 39 when my 38 year old wife died. It is a terrible age to be to lose a spouse.
Yes, I know the felling of hating my life when my wife died. There will be many dark days ahead but you will be okay. I am now 26 years passed the time my wife died.
I found life again.
take a minutes at time, then an hour, and then you will be able to like, and then love your life.
I was where you where. You can make it through.
I lost my husband in April 2020 at the young age of 33, he died at home in bed from complications of Covid.-19. We were together for 15 years and married 7 years this October. His death was sudden and of course nothing we were prepared for at such an early age. I wake up every day without knowing my purpose. I can put on a fake smile around family and friends but inside I’m dying. I cry for hours at a time until the late hours in the morning to just wake up and do it all over again. We had so many plans and dreams that he doesn’t get the chance to accomplish. Anytime I see a picture of him I break down. I can’t get the picture of finding him lifeless in bed after just talking with him and getting him water that he asked for 20 mins prior out of my head. It haunts me everyday. One of the last things he said to me was “I don’t want to die” and I feel like I failed him. I never knew unconditional love until I met him. We were soulmates. He never went an hour out of the day without texting or calling me to say he loves me and thank me for such an amazing life. I know he would want me to go on and accomplish our dreams but I don’t have the strength to do it without him. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I’m breathing through a straw. I would happy not to wake up in the morning knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with this daily pain.
HI Steve
I am sorry for your loss.
I was only 39 when my wife died. My brother was 25 when his partner died.
The images we have will always be with us, but they won’t always haunt us.
I am 27 years past her death and if I want to I can recall the moment we met, and the moment she died.
But I don’t live in those moments anymore.
You made a difference in someone’s life and that is huge, and to feel unconditional love back is awesome.
Your heartache is real because of your love.
Stay strong and live each day the best you can.
Sincerely
Richard
My husband of 49 years went to sleep and never woke up 3 weeks and 2 days ago and I can’t seem to get past needing to be with him. I have always thought that I was a strong person however losing him has devastated me. I miss his hands, his arms around me, his hands running thru my hair, his beautiful blue eyes, his smell….I miss HIM.
We have 4 grown children and they are trying to be supportive however I need their father. Widowed friends of ours have reached out to me and one in particular has been
a help but there is still so much of a hole in my heart. I desperately want to be with my guy. He was my purpose in life, my rock, my everything.
I am angry with God for taking him, I am angry with him for leaving me. I don’t like the person whom I am right now but I really don’t see any light at the end of any tunnel.
Hi Sheryl
To be angry with God is normal. To be angry at your husband for leaving is normal.
I was angry too when my wife died. I also had a hole in my heart that I felt would never heal.
Time has healed my heart but it took time. It won’t be easy but you will okay and that day may surprise you.
You said you miss his smell. Ah Yes, I would hug my wife’s clothes to remind me of her because they held her scent.
It takes time to heal so take the time you need.
I wish you the best
Richard
My husband died on December 26th 2019 at the age of 36 very suddenly from flu and pneumonia we’ve been together for going on 12 years this year married for four of them we have four children ages 14 to 4 and I am completely utterly lost without him he was my soulmate my everything we were perfect but I love him the good the bad the ugly all the parts of you that I would do anything to have one more day with him one more second I look okay from the outside but on the inside I’m a wreck I have to keep it together for my kids and it’s so hard my house is like a tomb you everywhere I know he’s in a better place and he’s fine I’m down here suffering terribly without him I go to Dark Places and I think I could just we could just all be with him but I know that’s not the answer but I miss him so much over these last couple months I’ve had to do things and make decisions that I never had to do before I’ve always had him there to help me and to support me and it’s been so hard so difficult I don’t think people understand what I’m going through and I’m spiraling I am but I’m trying not to let my kids see because I know they need me they’ve already lost their dad I can’t lose their mom to this is not fair you know he was so young I have so much anger in me all the questions of why we would have went to the doctor sooner if he wasn’t so stubborn maybe he’d still be here but should have could have would his huh he’s not here I need him I need him.
Hi Christina
My wife died at 38, and we had young children.
It is a terrible place to be and I can relate to what you say of having to do it all when before there was help from our spouse.
Anger is a normal feeling. Let it out in a safe way.
One of the hardest concepts for people to understand is that in our time of need the person we need the most is the person who caused the pain.
You and your kids are a team to work together to survive your loss, and theres.
All the best
I too lost my husband July 2014. I am having trouble making new life decisions in that a previous man who I was engaged 37 years ago who also lost his girlfriend to lung cancer a year after my husband and I are dating. He would like to get married to me and start our life together. He has a house and so do I. This is a hard decision for us since his house was his parents and my husband and I bought our house. We both seem to be tied to our past. How to get together has alot of emotional ties. Any Ideas?
Hi
i am glad you have moved onto the point of choosing which house to live in.
i was living in the house my late wife and I bought.
My new wife moved in and it didn’t feel like her
house to her.
I had to let go. She had to let go of her house too.
We moved to a home that was new to us. A neutral house that her and my kids could come to.
A new place to build new memories, happy memories, of the life we wanted.
All the best
We each had to let go of the past, the ties to our former spouses.
I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago to a sudden heart attack. After I left for work on a beautiful fall morning, he peacefully left. I’m trying my best to stay busy and to take care of myself, but it is so difficult to focus and to find a new normal. I feel out of place without my husband. The lyrics of a song say it best: I don’t want to go out, but I don’t want to stay at home; I don’t need company, but I sure don’t want to be alone. Without you, what do I do with me.
Hi
I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is feeling lost and not being able to focus.
I felt so out of place when my wife died. Sometimes I would sit with people just to be around people who were alive, so I could tell I was alive.
Keep taking care of your self. It is the best way through.
All the best
RIchard
My husband had passed 3 months ago because of the Pancreas Cancer. I still can’t accept the fact he was gone forever, i talked to his pictures all the times just feel like he was there in the room. Missing your loved one is heart broken. I am looking for a way to help to ease the emotion when I miss him terribly.
Dear May
The loss of a loved is hard to accept because when we accept it it changes us.
Yes, talk to him and find the comfort you need to make it through the day.
You can write him letters of what you are going through. I found writing my feelings down helped me.
Nurse your heart each day.
All the best
I feel so sorry for everyone here. I lost my husband of 34 years from colon cancer. His death was unexpected. I had been suffering from chronic kidney and liver disease and received a double transplant in Oct 2017. He passed away 2 months later on Christmas Day. Because of my condition he never let me know how serious his was. I found out afterwards that he felt confident he was going to beat it. We never had children due to my condition. Why was I given the greatest gift of all, LIFE, only to be left in purgatory. Counseling hasn’t helped.
Dear Rosemarie
My wife felt she was going to beat her cancer and didn’t confide in me.
She didn’t survive. Widowhood is purgatory.
Her life was a gift. I have accepted and cherished the short time she was with me.
There are things we do find out afterwards and there is nothing we can do with it.
Keep trying. Keep living.
All the best
I lost my husband after 50years, terminal cancer.all in 9 months,from beginning to end. It has shocked my system to such an extent I don’t believe he has gone and I’m still waiting for him to come home. He was so healthy. MY once in a lifetime, friend, lover everthing I could ask for. It’s only been 5 months,I’m numb,lost,and feel all the pretense in the world is not helping . We loved each other with passion,had our ups and downs, we were growing old together and our world was shattered,each day I struggle, I do the work,means nothing without him,my once 8n a lifetime.
Dear Nina
All the feelings of loss, numbness, and pretense you are feeling are normal.
It is such a struggle to survive the loss of our loved ones.
Keep going day to day. That is the way to see where you have been and find perspective.
All your memories will survive, but mostly the good ones.
Take care
Hi my wife passed in may 2020 she was only 38,we were together since we were 15.She was everything to me,we done everything together.We have three kids aged 11, 8 and 1,she went true chemo while pregnant,and got the all clear in February and six weeks later it returned in her liver stage 4.She was the most beautiful person inside and out,I’m only excisting every day, totally lost without her.Reading your story has given me a little hope.
My husband of 51 years died one year ago. We were living a wonderful life when he became so very ill with a terminal rare lung condition. It was a terrible year of watching this man I loved so very much get sicker and struggle to breath. I cared for him and did not want to loose him. I cry every day and my heart is broken. I just want him back. I want our life back. I know this thinking does not help but it is the truth. I realize that my life will never ever be the same. But I also realize that we all must work hard to find a way to go on. No one should waste the gift of life. We all need to find joy. I am working on this. I hate to be sad, always have. So I hope to find my moments of joy and share laughs with friend and family and I wish that for all of you too.
Dear Marialys
Thank you for your comments.
Your words are true to the struggle of loss and the hard work to go on.
You will find moments of joy to laugh again.
You have such a positive attitude that you will find joy.
All the best
I lost the love of my life on March 16, 2020 from a glioblastoma. It was a death sentence from the start but for 18 months we fought it — we have been together for 40 years, 24 married and my heart breaks everyday since he died – the torture inside him from the date of diagnosis is sometimes so unbearable to think about – we both raised our family, worked and lived to retire, travel and grow old together – he so deserved this and the guilt I feel along with the pain and heartbreak is horrible. No matter how much family and friends are there for support, the emptiness inside of me without him – my protector, my best friend, my soulmate, my love – is a pain I have never felt. I read all your comments and I am scared because I am struggling on how to move on and don’t know how and those of you who have lost loved ones for longer than I, are still struggling. The pain inside me is so excruciating and I don’t know how much more I can handle.
Dear Soni
Grief is the worse pain.
The first year is a struggle to make it through each day.
You can handle it. You will be okay again.
Take it one minute, hour, or day at a time, even when you feel like you will break.
Wishing you the best
On September 8th, 2018, My husband collapsed in our bedroom. He collapsed from a Brain Aneurysm. The next day I had to make the decision to take him off life support. My world came to a complete halt. We had been married for 28 years and have 3 children. Our last child has started her senior year of high school and we were dreaming of what to do next.
Almost 2 years later, I am still struggling with what to do next. With my children grown, I made the decision to leave my very unhealthy work environment. I am really struggling with figuring out what to do next and even who I am. I stumbled on this website while dealing with a night of overwhelming sadness. I felt some comfort when reading others stories.
I find grief to be a very lonely place. As everyone’s’ story is unique so is everyone’s grief.
I did go to one grief support group but left to never return. It was not for me.
I just want to say thank you for everyone that shared their story. Know that your words were read and appreciated.
Hi Gayle
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is unique to everyone because who we lost was unique.
I can relate to struggling who I am now that my spouse is gone.
Grief is lonely and you will find your way back. It does take time. It took me time.
Thank you for sharing.
All the best
Richard
Hi Gayle, similar situation – middle of night ..so sad
I lost my husband , my life 7 months ago unexpectedly. He collapsed at work & died instantly. We were together for 30 years. Could you tell me how you are doing? The pain is unbearable & is only worsening. I am only 47 & It literally brings me to my knees that I have to be here without him. We too were so looking for our next stage just 2 of us. . . We have 3 girls – and our youngest is leaving for college next month. I just feel there is no hope for me ever to feel alive again without him. It’s like I died with him. I do what I need to everyday, I exercise everyday, talk to my friends, have a wonderful therapist ..but I am just empty. Nothing helps. I want him here
hi Toby
I am sorry for your loss.
The things you r are doing for yourself will help you get throught this phase of greiving, and help you feel alaive again.
Richard
I lost my best friend……my everything……my beloved husband Bob 4 years ago. He died suddenly after a short but epic battle with cancer. It has only been 4 years since his passing and I feel as the years have gotten harder since his passing. All the plans we had, “grow old with me , the best is yet to be”, giving the kids the wings and they will soon fly on their own and we can do for us!!!!! All these dreams you plan together and cancer got in the way. My husband made me feel alive. We lived and made the most of each day and night. Our life was just amazing with our four children. We made an amazing life for our blended family and always made time for all of our children who were in different stages of their lives. I had never felt love like the love I received from my husband. We adored one another and I just can not believe I have to do this life without him. I have attended many bereavement groups and I have met many wonderful people and facilitators along the way. I am feeling very alone and just hopeless as I tackle this life without my partner. Thanks for taking the time to read my comment
HI Kerriann
I am sorry for your loss. I had the same ‘grow old with me’ and lets see the grandkids dreams with my late wife. She died of cancer 8 years into our marriage and our children were 5 and 6.
Daily living was hard yet it got better. I am now 27 years past death and remarried. I have grandkids. When I think back that my late wife isn’t here to see and experience it all I get sad.
Life is good but there are always the ‘what if’ questions.
My best to you
Hi Kerriann:
Just found this site…I feel your pain. My wife passed away from metastatic breast cancer in December 2019. I completely understand those feelings about losing the love of your life and best friend—your everything—-on the same day. It’s been a little over one year now, and I am completely broken. Although I have been doing grief counseling on and off for the past year, not much has really changed my overall feeling about being completely alone without her while and also having a bleak outlook for the future. The future hopes and dreams are gone. But since we spent every single day together for over 20 years, it’s the loss of our daily existence together which is the most devastating.
Grief is such a complex emotion, but it is born from love. I have read some other online websites and blogs and there seems to be this idea that widowers do not feel the same sense of hopelessness and loss–that pure grief—as widows. That idea is false. Maybe it’s the lack of widowers expressing their feelings. My grief is brutal. I struggle throughout each day. There are times when my attention is diverted here and there, but the grief over losing her is always right with me. Over the past year, I break down at different times all day long. Most importantly, those who have not experienced this type of loss do not understand, and that is what makes it all so much more painful and isolating. Facing life without that person is overwhelming. I know these words probably do not offer comfort—but I want you to know there are others who understand, and sometimes that is all people like us need.
Dear TG
Thank you for your thoughtful reply to Kerriann.
Widowers, as a rule, don’t want to talk or admit that grief overwhelms them.
Grief is brutal.
Thank yo again
I feel you. Lost my wife in 2021 and it hurts worst now a year later. I have talked to friends and other women but locating a companion when you are almost 60 is difficult since so many women at that age have been mistreated by men and no longer trust.
Its been 2 and a half years since my wife of 38 years past away.. We knew each other since we were 13 years old.. As many have said the first year is foggy and very very
difficult.. The most notable thing about losing a spouse is that you find out quickly that you are consoling others rather than being consoled.. It was singly the most odd thing
to me.. To add to that.. As a man you are suppose to get over it immediately.. Well what I can tell you is you do not.. And the more amazing the person who died was the more
difficult it is.. I am thankful we were both very much in love yet also independent and practical too.. That seems to have helped me to not get completely lost in the loss of
someone so special.. But as many have said the loss will blindside you out of nowhere at the most awkward times.. You do learn to recognize what it is and that does help
getting through those moments of sadness and loss.. For me I dated rather quickly.. And though i do not necessarily recommend it.. it did help me to be balanced and not lost
in my own feelings.. And as a result met some very special people.. Have I found the one? Though I have been dating someone for a while it is not known yet.. When you have decades of history with someone the context of what is proper or even right for us goes out the window.. I can say there is hope and even fullness of life beyond such a traumatic
loss.. And choosing to live and move forward in life leaves one a bit queasy at times.. But then our loved ones would wish that we are complete and living life to the fullest right?
Do I still cry in the middle of the night? Yes.. Do I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach? yes.. Do have good days and bad days? yes.. I will say this, the person that
we lost was not perfect though the memories become almost always very positive.. Don’t forget that you worked hard at your previous relationship so put the effort into
the relationships that are meaningful to you now.. Remember that it isn’t just about you and loving others and investing in them is what you did before.. And you can do it
again.. Life is about more… So put one foot in front of the other and trust that you are still capable of loving and being loved.. Dave
HI David
Thank you for your thought and insight of your grieving process. You are right that we have to put one foot in front of another and go on with living, just like our spouses would have wanted.
The emotions are a mixed bag yet life takes on a normal rhythm after a while.
You are doing well. I can see it in your writing.
All the best
Richard
Hello david, my name is jen. I lost my partner 4 months ago after being together for 23 yeasts. Your post rings so true for
Me. Almost all the posts that I have read on this horrific journey of grief have all made me feel something was wrong with my relationship. Almost all don’t mention the hard times in a relationship. We were also independent of each other and loved each other, however we had to work at it and had a number of challenges throughout. However we stayed together and managed 23 years, in fact we were just married in oct.
so
I appreciate your honesty of you relationship as it has taken away so much confusion and questions that I keep going over in my mind as I read all the other posts on all web suites that everything was always happy and loving.
Thank you,
My husband died this January, while I was 650 km away from him. I couldnt hold his hand in his last breath, I couldnt had a chance to save him. I feel guilty & responsible for his death. My life has just became a robotic routine, I have no purpose to live anymore. I feel so lonely & lost without him. Each day is worse than the previous, each day am feeling a bigger vacuum in my life. Each day I am missing him more. We had just started our happy married life, with plans & dreams. I am 37 now, with absolutely no hope left for my life ahead.
Hi Monali
I am sorry for your loss.
Many people feel guilty when their oved ones die. It is a normal feeling.
I was 39 when my wife passed. I hung on because I wanted that feeling of love again. I struggled for a long time.
Grieving is a tough journey. Find people who understand and validate what you are going through.
You will be okay
I recently lost my 33-year-old husband in a tragic car accident. We were in love for 14 years and married for 5 years. We didn’t have kids. He was a fun-loving person; he was very charming that girls used to fall for him. He gave me all the happiness in life. We were friends more than a couple. We had mutual friends, used to hang out with them. We were an ideal couple. We had dreams, all vanished in a sec on 8th Nov 2020.
I am still coping with my loss and here comes a new shock for me, that he had an emotional affair with his collogue. She is also married and used to be my very good friend.
In these 2 years I never felt that my husband was cheating on me because I was a priority for him. I was very happy with him. He used to say that he loves me. He fulfilled all my desires and dreams. We planned beautiful future together.
How should I cope with both tragedies? Infinite questions are hitting my mind. I am feeling helpless. I am all negative. I am confused. I cannot live without my husband and with his betrayal.
HI Ashley
I am sorry for your loss.
The added loss of fidelity I can’t even comprehend.
Your are right it is a confusing situation to be in.
I wish you the best on your journey.
Mr Ballo,
I lost my husband of 35yrs on 8/21/20. On June 8th we were told his X-ray was normal next day he had cancer all over. I’m at such a loss how to go on. I don’t know what I want. All I want is my husband back. I’m 66 with no self esteem that lived my life being middle of the road, so as not to offend anybody. I wish God would take me too.
Hi Martha
I am sorry for your loss.
Grief is a complex and confusing process to go through.
I recognize your feelings because I had them too.
You are on a tough journey like many people who comment.
I wish you the best. You will make it through.
I lost my wonderful partner of 44 years April 17, 2019. It was a beautiful spring morning. I had just returned from delivering 2 of our grandchildren to their parents. They had been with us for Easter vacation.
He slept late that morning but was rested and chipper while he went about his morning routine. As we were chatting he suddenly took three deep, loud, rattled breaths. I sprang to him to see what was wrong but he didn’t respond. He just stared. I could see I was losing him and called 911. The operator was annoying and wanted ridiculous information when all I wanted was help. She told me to get him on the floor but I couldn’t move him from his chair he was too heavy for me. I needed help so I wanted to call a neighbor but the dispatch wouldn’t get off the phone. I was helpless and I watched him die. My husband, who was my life, died because I was incompetent. I live with it every day. Everything I did, every motivation I had was for our life together. How to find joy and purpose in this new solitaire life? Doing things with my kids and grandkids is empty. I’m void of all feelings and emotions. It’s been 1 1/2 years. It’s getting worse because it’s real now. The first few months I was in a daze. Now I’m facing reality.
HI Deanne
I am sorry for your loss.
Yes, the second year of grieving can seem worse than the first year.
I was in a daze the first year, then very lonely in the second. It was bad.
We do what we can to help our loved ones and when they died it doesn’t make sense.
We question ourselves that we could have done more, but we did the best we could at the time.
We have to accept that, no matter how hard it is.
Reality without our loved one does suck.
Keep breathing and look for the little pleasures.
I lost my husband on June, 2017 and for me it’s like the first day.
Thank you for sharing.
I am sorry for your loss.
Pain can run very deep and for a long time.
Hang in there.
I lost my partner who I had a baby girl with in January 2019 when he went missing on a night out with his friends after he ran away from a group of thugs who started a fight with him . He was found in a nearby river 48hrs later… he was only 22 years old.
It is coming up to the 2nd year and I am really struggling to put on a brave face for our little girl as I just feel sad all the time around this time of year, however I have just found this website and reading everyone else’s stories have made me feel within company and something that I can ‘relate’ to.
I would like to thank you all.
Hi Mia
I am sorry for your loss.
I am glad that you have found a community here of people who still struggle with the loss of a loved one.
Grieving with children is hard because you want to be brave, but you knows those days come where it is difficult to be present or happy.
Keep living and loving your child. She needs it too.
I lost my wife who I’ve been with for 22 years on 23 Nov 2020 to suicide due to mental illness. I blame myself. I knew she was capable for seeing a suicide through but somehow I didn’t think she would do this to me. Izabela first attempted at 16 years old. I meet her when she was 31. She attempted to overdoes again in 2007. Before her death she talked of not wanting to return again; she did not want to wake up again in another mental health clinic. This time she overdoes and hung herself to make sure there would be no return. She was in such mental pain, so lonely, very introverted. It’s been nearly 8 weeks, not long. I keep thinking she will walk in the door, or I will hear her call my name. I don’t want to go on. I wish to join her. I know she would not want me to. But how am I to continue?
Hi Margaret
I am sorry for your loss.
Feeling like you want to join her is normal response to trauma.
I have seen my friends, who have lost adult children, continue living but the pain of the loss is always with them.
Take one day at a time. Talk to people who will listen and acknowledge your loss.
Take care
I have been reading through some of these stories and responses. It will be 4 years in April when my husband died after a 2 year battle with cancer. He was 55, and I was too. I miss him and wish we had our old life back, we were married 28 years. However, that was not according to God’s plans and I’ve accepted that, not happily but realistically. Richard Ballo, you wrote one sentence that helped explain something I haven’t been able to explain to myself or others. You said you lost your life plans too, when your wife died!! That’s it!!! That’s why I feel so lost. We had plans of this and that once the kids were raised, and now those plans are gone. Yes, I can do by myself, but those were OUR plans and we aren’t “our” anymore. I hope to meet someone one day to share my life with (I know my husband stand would want that to), but we will have new plans. Meanwhile, I guess I need to rewrite MY life plans. Thank you for that 1 sentence I read today that Helped me understand some of my lost thoughts!
Hi Tibby
Thank you reading my articles, and I am glad that you found something to help you.
You sound like you are on the right track.
I lost my husband unexpectedly on February 26, 2021 after he fought long -Covid for nearly a year. He had a massive heart attack and passed away in mere seconds while I was on the phone with 911. I cry nearly everyday. We had such a strong love and bond for 23 years. I miss him more than anyone could possibly imagine. I’m so grateful for the time we had together. We made lots of memories with our travels and being best friends. He had such a great sense of humor and we were so happy. We were making plans for this coming summer vacation. But now, my plans are taken away and I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again. The first month I didn’t even care if I lived anymore. But now I’m in the second month and seeing some hope maybe. I have the most lovable dog who needs my care and a granddaughter that is looking forward to her Nana moving closer to her so we can make art together. I’m 68 and I feel like my life is over. I don’t know if I could be satisfied just being a grandma. I don’t know if anyone would even be remotely interested in me ever again. My husband’s death is still raw within my heart that I have a difficult time even imagining any future.
I lost my Wife on March 22nd 2021, we were expecting a baby and just 18 days before the expected delivery she left me for this lifetime. Still don’t know why all this happened. We lived 4 years together and it was all sudden and life changed a lot. Still have a feeling that she will be coming back and talk to me again. Our Baby is still struggling to get back into life in hospital. Everything appear a blank when I look forward. The things we done together and the moments we shared…. our dreams. Now all were just memories and tears.
I lost my wife of 42 years it’s be 4 an half months feels like the first day I am not as mad about life but I have just lost my drive for life I was selling my company but it’s just to much work I just want close the doors I was also opening a food cart pod that I just finished but again I just don’t care , my wife took her life after depression and anxiety we fought for two years no one helped in the medical field just pushed pills but they sure wanted to get paid, is their a god ? I sometimes question that but it’s not a question god is real celebration of life and what you have and be thankful you got what you got Right ? Still hard
My fiance recently passed June 6th. I’m only 25 and he was only 31. It was too sudden. He was too young. We were together for a year and a half. During the first month of our relationship he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver.
We were supposed to sign marriage paperwork on the 26th of May but couldn’t make it because my grandmother had passed that day. We were so close to becoming husband and wife.
The day that I called 911, I was having a bad feeling all day, as he was not feeling well the week prior, and he’s had a week here and there where he just wasn’t well due to his illness. But I just couldn’t shake it.
When I finally called, they took him to the hospital and within an hour he was gone. My world was shattered in an instant. My heart ached so bad for that man. He was my life. We’d had so many goals for life we wanted to achieve.
I still have my days where I don’t want to live without him. Where I wish I had the same comfort as he does, now that he’s no longer suffering. But I have a sister and nieces, and a mom who knows what I’m going through since my dad had passed almost exactly six years prior. I’m not sleeping well, barely eating, not leaving the house. He’s told me to continue with my life when he’s gone, but it’s hard to readjust when it was sudden. I’m going through too many emotions and swings every hour, and I’m finding it hard to continue.
Seeing many people go through the same thing and still making it through the day helps me feel better and gives me a little more strength. I know it’ll get better with time and the feelings will still come in waves, but I wish I wasn’t going through this. If I can’t have him back, I wish that my grieving process wasn’t going to be so long so I carry on the life that he wanted for me.
I lost my husband of 39 years to a heart attack almost one year ago. He came home from work and said he hadnt felt well and needed to leave ( he was working outside on a hot day in the sun, so I thought it was heat related ) He thought he felt better in the evening, he, took a shower and ate something.. The next morning when I woke, he was gone. I have so much guilt, That I didnt see he was worse than he was saying.. that I didnt get him to the dr. I had felt all spring something was not quite right, but I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. I feel now, he wasnt healthy even at that time, but he didnt tell me that. Everyday I wish I had done things differently- got him appts. I miss him everyday. There is seldom a day I do not cry. I miss his voice,, his touch, his presence,, his wisdom. Even though I have my children, it is not the same without him. People say it will get easier, it isnt easier, it just is.
I lost my husband on May 18, 2021. We have been married 17 years as of May 23. We met at ages 14 and 15 and lived our separate lives until 35 years later when we reconnected and were married 5 weeks later. He is my eternal partner and I know many have this connection with theirs. I don’t know who I am, I can’t stand this. I know I should walk, journal, reach out but I am paralyzed. I want only to be with him. Will this get better? I’m so sad.
Yes, it will get better a little,at,a,time. All of your suggestions you can imagine,doing.
The,best to uou
I just lost my wife of 26 years on July 13th of this year from pancreatic cancer we have been together since high school she was only 50 years old when she passed wasn’t for my two sons I probably be worse shape than I am now I always show that I’m strong but deep down I’m not I cry every night before I go to bed wishing this with just a nightmare is it wrong for me to visit her grave everyday some people say it is some people say it’s not I am so lost without her I try and keep everything the same like she’s still here with us thank you for your time
Hi Roy
I am sorry for your loss.
Do what makes you feel good. Other people are not in your shoes.
The nightmare will end. It did for me.
take care
Richard
Roy,
I’m truly sorry for your loss. I grieve with you as I lost my wife of 60 around the same time last year that you lost yours (to pancreatic cancer as well).
To this day, I exist but feel lost without her. As we did not have any children, she was my whole world. I could not and still cannot understand why God would take such a kind, gentle, intelligent, beautiful soul from this earth. especially since we still hadn’t yet finished our plans & bucket list items. I feel (to paraphrase the comment made by an earlier poster) that my wife was taken from this world to make heaven even more beautiful for God.
To Richard’s point, Roy, please please don’t feel guilty about visiting her grave as often as you need to do so. I visit my wife in the mausoleum every single weekend.
I’m not sure that the pain, loneliness, fear, guilt, resentment or any other feeling in my emotional befuddlement will ever go away. All I do know is that IT WAS THE GREATEST HONOR OF MY LIFE TO BE HER HUSBAND. I’ll take whatever God gives me, but at this stage, I don’t ever see myself loving anyone else.
Everyday, I try to cope by being thankful for the best years of my life with her. Another thing I try to do is to consistently prepare her favorite meals for dinner as well as to interact consistently with her/our best friends, despite the fact that I often feel like a “third wheel” with another couple.
I’m not sure that time heals all wounds but hopefully, time dulls the wounds enough for you to soldier on. Good luck to you and to the others on this site. Take care.
Hi I am Clementine my husband died on 6th August 2021. On the car accident he was 26 years and I’m 21 I don’t know how to make my self happy again
I am sorry for your loss, especially in a car crash.
You can make yourself happy doing the things that make you happy.
You may not feel like that now, but keep that in mind as you move forward.
It is not easy. Just live wveryday as best you can.
I lost my fiancé December 6,2019. I miss her each and everyday. The first year was hard but in ways the second year is harder. Her family and I do not talk as much anymore and my family was not that close to my fiancé. It does not feel like I am living, but just existing
HI Tim
Thank you for sharing. Yes, I found the second year hard too. People do drift waway. I am 28 years past her death and her cousins, who we used to visit often, still don’t think of me. I have accepted that, even though it does hurt, and concentrate on people who make me happy and what in life makes me happy.
My best to you
Rich
I lost my Fiance, est friend, soulmate on september 11 2021, he just turned 31 on the 8th of september. We were getting married in December after being together for 5 years 9 months. I lost my dad 5 years ago and was a mess – had it not been for my boo i would have died. My mother and brother have been no help since. they were not even thrilled that I had my dream guy. But now even he is gone it been 73 days only. Life isnt life anymore i feel its a sentence – I am just existing with the hope of seeing him again.
I’m in an odd position. My Danny – my best friend and lover (and husband) – died four years ago. Just as I was coming to terms with his passing, COVID hit. So now I’m in a quandary – I’m still finishing my career teaching high school, but I have no love, few friends, and family are so far away and very few. I just don’t know where I’m going. I don’t have a dream, since my prior dreams are not feasible. My biggest concern with finding a companion is control. We will both be accustomed to our ways on our own; how do you enjoy someone’s company when you don’t want them putting their demands on you and vice versa?
HI Lorraine
I had similar thoughts about being acustumed to my own ways. Yet, I find that I had adapted to her wants and needs, and still can have my own. We both compromise to make our relationship and marriage work. I wish you the best.
I lost my wife we both had bad marriages before we met, she was moor then my wife. My best friend ,she had my back .she showed me what real love is.in 11 years we never even had a cross word between us.i loved her and loved ever day it was great to be me but the day she passed it changed. I am now in living hell there is no joy no happiness really no reason to go on . I know I will never get over her
The humans race still has kind people!! You need to surround yourself with them that is the best way to cópe with a loss of a loved one. They are the modern day angels on earth that will make you through the unthinkable times. Don’t give up as you will soon again see you loved one soon. Life is about making the best of it while you are here. Wear a smile, be a friend, share the golden rule, shake a hand or give a fist bump to a little one, make an impact!! Love spreads like a dumpster fire!!! Lost my best friend and he would say have a cold one for me, don’t cry or worry we will see you soon. Take care of my boy when you can I would appreciate it. Just to let you know he likes your daughter Shelby, just to let you know. Spend time with your family and make memories while you can. Life is short do the best you can with it man! Keep going dont give up the people you are surrounded by need you!!
I’ve read everyone’s posts in hopes they will help me with what I am about to experience. My husband and I have been married almost 42 years. We are both 68 years old and still working because we just like our jobs. He is a diesel mechanic. The first part of December, he got sick and after a couple of weeks ended up in the emergency room with kidney failure. His kidneys are not getting better with dialysis and now he has delirium and dementia! He is also diabetic. He is in so much pain and no longer recognizes anyone. We have made the decision to place him in hospice. He wouldn’t want this life. It’s been two months now and when I go home, it’s so empty, quiet and lonely. I no longer have my husband to talk to. We had a full year of trips planned for this year with our RV and his new truck. One trip was going to be to Glacier and Yellowstone. Now, our plans are destroyed. Our life is destroyed. One thing I’ve noticed is, I feel guilty being in the house he worked SO hard to build and update constantly. He deserves to be at home enjoying his life he worked so hard for. His stuff is everywhere! 40 years of tools, hunting gear, it’s everywhere! I had to ask his boss to come get the company service truck because I came home one night and looked at it and almost threw up! I don’t know how long he has but I’m not sure what my life looks like now.
Hi Marcee
I am sorry for the loss of your husband now, and in the future.
Death of a loved one destories plans and parts of ourself too.
The house is both of yours. My wife was the breadwinner and te repairs where from her work. She would have wanted me to have a place to live.
I assume your husband wants you to have a home to live in. He worked hard for the house but he worked hard for you too.
Watching a loved one die just plan sucks.
I am sorry that he no longer recognizes you. That is my fear is that I woulnd’t recognize those I love.
You are still married to the day he passes. Be there for him, even if he dosen’t know it, you know it. You know that you are, and have, done your best.
Yeah, life can look messey but holdon to love to guide your through the tought grieving journey. Reach out to friends too.
All my best
Richard
My partner was just given a timeline for his passing from cancer. It’s all very surreal. I am currently 42yo and we have been together for 14 years. Our relationship, Keith and I, is perfect. We are best friends, and have a deep connection with lots of love and honor for each other. Obviously we are both very upset. He is dealing with the reality of death and I am dealing with the reality of losing my favorite person and life partner. All of our past discussions about the future seem a waste of time. The plans that we have together will not be the same alone. My first inclination is to run. After Keith dies, I cannot live the same life I live today. I can’t see the same things, his clothes, coffee mug, seat on the sofa, friends, all seem like future landmines. Even with Keith still here, I have already lost a piece of my heart. I am in so much pain.
I read Rich and Lisa’s story. I wonder is this different for everyone? Are there really rules about regaining happiness after grief?
Hi James
I am sorry for your loss.
greiving is different and the same for everyone. Our partners, wives, and husband and our dreams with them are all diffdrent, yet we all want them to continue to live and to fulfill the dreams we have of our life together.
You are right: nothing is every the same. We now see things differently because of the news, or the loss, that we are expereincing.
When Lisa received her prognosis. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I did what I promoised to do: love her and be there for her till the end.
Everyting was different after that.
There are no rules. We have to find what works best of us as we go through grief, and what our loved ones have left us with.
I wish you the best in your journey and the life you have left with Keith. Be there for him.
Richard
My husband passed suddenly two days after graduating with an engineering degree we were married 15yrs and together for 20yrs he was my best friend my son says “he got me” that is so true. Almost four years has passed and I am still lost, I graduated with a Respiratory Therapy Degree, but never got my license, I’m not sure if I should move out of state to be with my daughter and her family to be near my grandchildren. It’s so confusing I never planned or ever wanted to be alone my husband was 54 when he died and I’m now 62 time doesn’t stop.
Sad & Confused
Thanka for the Male perspective. I found my wife dead at home on February 9 2021 after 25 years of marriage. I find it very hard to get up out bed. I force myself to get out the house once a week but only find minor joy on my outings. I had before volunteered my time but now it feels so worthless. I will keep going until this tide of life ends but not sure when a new normal will ever be achieved.
Cliff I am sorry for your loss.
From my experience and other, the time for the new normal takes about 5 years.
Year three is where I find myself starting to forge my new normal, and that included voluntering.
Hang in there and you will find your new normal. Give it more time, Youj don’t get over a love in a year.
Hi everybody.
I lost my best friend and soulmate for 40 years on april 1 to stage 4 breast cancer. She was 61 years old. She fought the cancer on and off since 2007. At the end she was terminal but she refused to give up on life. I am devastated and heartbroken. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing or talking with her again. I just want her to come back to life but I know its not possible. She was such a positive person even in her struggle. It was never ment that she would go before me. Dear Jeanne I miss you so much. Love Henrik.
Hello everybody.
My best friend and soulmate for 40 years died april 1 from stage 4 breastcancer. She was only 61. I am devastated and heart broken. She chose to tackle the cancer on her own so her passing came as a chock. I am still in chock. She was my ancher and my rock. My life seems pointless now. Don’t know how I can go on from here. My sweetest Jeanne I love and miss you so much.
Wow reading some of these stories leaves me feeling very humble. I sadly lost my wife of 40 years almost 3 years ago now. I thought my pain would never end. I sought out a counselling group and slowly but surely my life began to change for the better. I am feeling more content with life now but I think of my wife every single day. She was my everything my rock, my confidant, my best friend my soulmate. Life will never be the same again for me but I must try get on and live my life as my late wife asked me to.
To all of you who were brave enough to share your stories, thank you. I pray that each and every one of you finds some peace in your loss and finds some happiness in the years ahead. I too lost the love of my life Melanie in April 2022. Like others, I am devastated and so lost without a compass. Melanie 54 and I were together 20 years, She fought and won health issue after health issue for those 20 years but throughout was the bravest person I’ve ever known. Her smile could light up a room. Right now I feel hopeless and lost, but know that some day this horrible grief will subside some and I will try to find my happiness again. Thank you Richard for providing this forum for those of us who are grieving.
My wife Patricia died Oct 20 2021 8 months ago. I go thru every day without any ambition, desire, or wants. I feel like I’m a Zombie just going thru the days. My wife was raised in a Catholic orphanage and we were not blessed with any children. My parents have died in the past so I have a double whammy. It’s very hard going thru your life at 70 with any family at all. My wonderful wife of 39 and a half years was my only family. I think of my wife every day and the pain and suffering just continue. it’s very hard living every day just completely hating my life.
I found my husband deceased on our back patio June 12, 2022. His eyes were covered with ants and I lay down beside him to brush them off but they kept coming back. Bill hated bugs! He had been dead for a few hours. I called 911 and they came quickly but the Coroner’s Van took forever. I had to look at him like that for 3 hours. I will never get that image out of my head.
Bill had retired from the Navy as a Captain 6/30/2021, Father’s Day was coming up, and his 58th birthday would’ve been on the June 21st.
He was an excellent leader who deployed to Iraq twice. I have gotten over 2500 messages, pictures, and comments on how much he changed peoples lives and careers. Why did they take my husband? I can’t leave my house, I can’t eat or sleep. I am crippled with grief and devastation . I just want to be with him. Where do I go now?
It is day 5…..I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly, last week, 31 Aug…he was not ill. We went to bed and he just never woke up, I found him Thursday morning, just cold, so very cold.
I am utterly broken. It is his birthday, 8 September, he would have been 59. I see absolutely no reason to carry on.
I lost my love march 2, 2022. we met in august 2016. He was widowed, i was divorced. We found love again. We were happy. This was our time. He rode a Harley, we had so many adventures. He passed a year after being diagnosed with cancer – three days before his 65th birthday. I miss my honey. He didn’t want to die. He fought hard. I will always love him.
He was the best. He really was. We weren’t perfect but we were perfect for each other. Im seeing a therapist and “working on myself” – Im tired of feeling sad. I know it will get better. I don’t want to spend the rest of my time here – however long, being miserable. I know its hard. Some days are worse than others. Other days are better.
My heart goes out to all you who are experiencing such grief. I know – this is not how we planned it. Seems so unfair.
I loss my husband recently. It’s the most painful feeling that i can’t imagine. Hard to explain but it’s so really, really hard , i feel numb, lost, angry. Why God didn’t give us another chance. Why did God let him die? I feel i am living in a dream. And i wanna wake up from this nightmare. I don’t know where to start. I feel weak. I have two kids. I don’t even know how to comfort them when they are down. I didn’t even know how to comfort myself. I am so deep deep down. I’m drowning
I lost the love of my life, my fiancé Julie December 6,2019. Life most of the time doesn’t have much meaning to me. Julie was my life. Julie was my best friend, my lover, and we were inseparable. I pray eventually I can heal. I miss my Julie so much everyday
Hello Tim, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can relate. I lost the love of my life and my best friend on July 20, 2022. My heart will never heal, I am unwilling to replace him. Since you posted nearly 3 years after the loss of your beloved Julie, I imagine you feel the same way. I am so sorry, I wouldn’t ish this pain on my worst enemy.
I lost my husband of 52 years last February. He was 91 years old and had dementia, but up until the last 3 weeks, could still carry on a conversation, make known his likes and dislikes, come to the table for dinner. I was his caregiver during his 7 year decline. The hospice nurse told me that I had taken beautiful care of him. Now I’m just surviving physically in a surreal void. We had 52 years of very good life together, which is more than most people get. He gave the best years of his life to me, and I gave the best years of my life to him. Age makes no difference, and time heals nothing. People tell me that he would want me to go on, live a meaningful life, and pursue some happiness. Nothing is meaningful to me. I had been diagnosed with kidney cancer early in the summer, which strangely gave me a measure of comfort because I reasoned my time alone before I joined him would be shortened. Then I had a biopsy, and it turned out not to be cancer. I should be happy, but am now facing this abyss of emptiness. I am 20 years younger than him, but I am still a useless old woman. I would never do anything affirmative to hasten my passing, because I couldn’t do that to our kids, but what might be two decades of total emptiness is more than I can face.
lost the love and soul mate Julie on 2nd nov 2022
40 years plus 2 daughters 2 grandsons
JULIE was most upset about our dog Tedd a poodle going for a operation on the 7 th nov saying can I have time of work and also can we afford £1700.00 Isaid yes to both she had a sleep on sofa woke 9.30 said im going to bed tired
i went up later Tedd was on the bed I could hear her laughing when I went in she asked me what time is is it I TAPPED my fitbit 11.11 Isaid Iwoke OVERSLEPT AS JULIE allways up at 6.30 am
7.40 am turned over to see my presious daling wife dead i called 999 told me to take her and put onfloor and carry out cpr her tummy was still warm i felt her ribs break any way ambulance came 4 mins approx Julie was gone
nearlly 2 months have passed crying every day have not worked since why is is death so painfull for the ones left behind I want to help other partners and friends to understand xxxxx
I lost my best friend and husband of 31 years unexpectedly on July 20, 2022. I loved him more than anyone else on the planet including our children. I have lost everything as I have no one to love and no one to plan a future with and no dreams. I wish I would have died that day too. I don’t believe it will ever get better for me because I am unwilling to replace him like the author did with his wife and like so many people do.
I lost my husband on March 25, 2023 to cancer 40 days from the moment they found it till death. He was my best friend and the love of my life. He was my soul mate, I feel like part of me is missing. Some days I am well but than a bad day will come with no warning and take me to the depth of darkness like I have never seen. I struggle with anxiety and depression but nothing as ever felt so foreign. I am lost just going through the motions day by day. This weeks trigger a holiday family get together without him. Almost too much to bear just want to curl up in bed, pull the covers over and never move again. I do use THC for my anxiety but feel like I just want to smoke until I can’t feel. I think other people drink for this reason as well. I am beyond sad it hard to explain how my heart feels in a million pieces and none of them fit together. After reading all the comments I realize that I am not alone and this is how it is and it will get better. I just can’t see the silver lining today. Tomorrow might be different. I hope my honesty helps someone else. It is okay to not be okay.