Seven Ways to Come Back to Life After Suffering the Death of a Loved One
After suffering the death of a beloved, most of us see no possible way we can recover or ever again find any joy in living. Mental and emotional darkness engulfs us. The moment consciousness returns each morning, the overwhelming reality of our loss takes us to our knees. Is it any wonder that the ultimate stress one can suffer is the death of a loved one?
Such extreme stress takes it toll. According to the British Medical Journal, chronic job stress leads to heart disease and diabetes. Imagine what losing a loved one does! It’s been proven that the loss of a spouse can be fatal for the spouse left behind. In fact, one study discovered that people rate the death of a spouse as the number one stress of a lifetime. The New England Journal of Medicine revealed that the death rate of a spouse accelerated after their other half was merely hospitalized. The risk of death associated with a spouse’s hospitalization is higher for men (22%) than women (16%). Not surprisingly, the year following the death of a spouse, the death rate of the surviving spouse spikes significantly.
Richard Ballo is no stranger to the stress that occurs when a spouse dies. When his beloved 38-year-old wife Lisa died, it took every force of will he could muster just to get out of bed in the morning. He admits he might have just stayed in bed and “waited for the inevitable,” if it weren’t for his six and five year old sons, Victor and Nick, who needed him more than ever.
After the excruciating loss of his wife to cancer, Rich’s life purpose became muddled; he no longer found joy or fulfillment. His emotional state was a constant roller coaster. Not only was he suddenly thrown into the unthinkable void associated with the death of his adored life partner, but he found himself wrestling with the death of his dreams as well.
Rich and Lisa had bought a house in Naples, Florida prior to Lisa’s death. Together they dreamed of watching their boys grow and thrive in this new environment. But fate laid another plan. Rich was unceremoniously shoved into solo parenthood. After Lisa’s death, he even lost his appetite for living including his writing career.
Rich’s health and well-being were in jeopardy and his emotions were in turmoil as he found himself and his sons moving to Florida from Massachusetts in an attempt to carry on his and Lisa’s joint dream. The only problem was, Lisa was not part of this picture. The stress was so great, Rich even wound up in the hospital with chest pains.
Zombie-like, Rich went through the motions, but his heart was crushed and life had lost all of its joy. Following the dictates of society that men should not show emotion, Rich wept in private. Eventually, his old urge to write took over and became a pivotal factor to save him. He silently turned to his notepad for comfort. Everyday he journaled his thoughts and feelings as he navigated the course of his new life. Journaling gave him a “safe”place to express the “un-expressible” and to ventilate his feelings. Without this outlet, the toll on his health would likely have been catastrophic.
Poetically, years later his grief journal became an award winning book – Life Without Lisa: A Widowed Father’s Compelling Journey Through the Rough Seas of Grief. President of the Florida Publishers Association, chose Life Without Lisa as the President’s Award because “it has the potential to help thousands of people through one of life’s greatest challenges — the passing of a loved one.”
Now, more than a decade-and-a-half after Lisa’s death, Rich speaks to people across the country, sharing his personal story, lending an understanding ear and revealing what most helped him pull out of the deepest, darkest hole and return to a meaningful life.
Without question, journaling was the number one therapy Rich used to regain his emotional and mental health. Little by little, his own written words charted his healing process. In addition, he took advantage of bereavement counseling offered by Avow Hospice in his adopted hometown of Naples, Florida, for both him and his boys. At hospice, he found a support system to bolster his shattered emotional body, guidance to assist in his decision making and programs to help his suffering sons.
When all was said and done, Rich gained help from a number of sources and activities. Here are his suggestions to return to health and happiness after losing a loved one:
- Journal your feelings without holding back, allow yourself to vent every thought, feeling and emotion regardless of how “good or bad” they seem.
- Enlist support and help from your local hospice or bereavement group.
- Give yourself permission to take “as long as it takes” to recover.
- Do something for someone else. Volunteer to help others.
- Take care of yourself by doing things that make you feel better: get regular massages, take long walks, listen to music, sleep late.
- Do something different at holiday time; find new ways to celebrate, establish new traditions.
- Talk about your loved one to friends and family; encourage them to speak your loved one’s name and share their favorite reminiscences with you.
Because Rich took steps to help himself through his darkest times, he was able to avoid severe health challenges. Today he is well and happy. He sits on the board of directors at Avow Hospice in Naples, FL, is President of Kiwanis, and has funded scholarships at his alma mater, Suffolk University and, in Lisa’s memory, at Florida Gulf State University.
His boys aren’t little any more and have grown into strong, well-balanced, happy young men. Once again, Rich’s life is full, meaningful and happy. Despite the fact that he didn’t think that could ever be possible, the steps he took to help himself paid off in the most meaningful of ways.
I lost my husband 15th July 2016 and trying to overcome my grief but most times I get too emotional and little things trigger it.Feeling sorry for myself and feeling unloved and like no ones cares about what I am going through.Is it part of grief or what is it?Thanks.
I lost my husband Dec 19 2016. I feel the same as you.
My husband died June 2010, I was devestated and needed answers! I saw a dark shadow of him 2 weeks prior to his death, still can’t understand this? Accidentally met someone 3 months after his death who in 11 months took me for everything I had. In therapy over this now. My Son (26) died almost exactly 7 years after his Dad. Again; devestated!! Then in February this year, my Daughter (31) died.. I have learned to NEVER say “what next”..! Not sure I’ll ever get over the horrible grief.. Nothing can prepare you for this kind of lifes tragedies… Wish there was a magic wand to make everything better…..
Hi Carrie
I am so sorry for your multiple losses.
I have a friend who lost her husband, then a boyfriend, then her daughter. It was devastating.
She wonders why she is still living if everyone id gone.
She goes through each day, still working, getting some peace over time and from good friends who give her a hug, and talk about her daughter to validate her life.
My best to you
my wife died at 49 this past August and as you wrote, ou dreams died. I go to work and try my best to keep my two children 8 & 10 as happy as possible but I am miserable. Dorothy its not that no one cares but everyone is busy with their lives–life goes on every day and at least for me i dont think I can really share my thougths with anyone either because they dont really comprehend or I dont want them worrying about me.
I understand your thoughts. That no one knows what you are going through except you, and those who have gone through grief, and grief counselors. too. Most people can’t comprehend the devastation that the loss of a spouse brings. They can’t understand because it is our personal loss, not theirs. I found that writing helped me get my thoughts out so I could understand them. Grief therapy groups worked for me too. Life does go on with people who don’t understand. The first year is tough because each day is the first day without her. First January, February, and so on. Hang in there. Grieving changes us and how we react to the world. You will get through this, it will be okay, just take a minute, an hour, or a day at a time. My best to you.
My whole life fell apart when my husband died of cancer in April 2018 I never loved anyone in my life like I loved him. I knew he loved me in the same way I could always feel his love.
we wete together for 44 years.. I cry every single day for him and cannot get put of bed for 3 to 4 days at a time. I just lay there and think about him and cry. He was the most wonderful man I ever knew. Kind and so rhoughtful. He was so liked by everyone who knew him. Every Birtjfsy of mine , he epuld buy me Roses. After he died, on my birthday I would put my favourite vase out that he gave me 40 years ago , snd when I got up in the morning on my birthday I wpuld run dowstairs to see if any roses were in the vase. But that never happened. I know I was dilusionsl. But I really thought he woukd come home and put those roses in the vase he bought for me. .
I still sleep with his pajamas , .I have been suicidal for quite sometime now. I try very hard to help myself. I am seeing a psychistrist also. NOTHING SEEMS TO HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM ANYMORE. . He was my world . I know it is 20
monrhs since he died, but I have no reason to be happy anymore. He gave me hope . I never had anyone love me in my life except for him. I never knew such love . I wrapped my life around him snd adored everything about him. What do I do now. We had no children. It was just him and me.
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way.
Thanks for your participation and support of others.
I know the pain only too well I was with the love of my life for 37 years and almost 4 months he went to heaven August 26, 2019 I cry every day I go to work every day and I have to remind myself to breathe but I will tell you one thing if you can pick yourself up and breathe and pay attention to your surroundings you will be amazed at the signs your husband is sending you I have had so many small signs it’s such a gift I cannot tell you,,, We traveled a lot and when we went away my husband would always buy me chocolate dip strawberries and whenever possible if there was a pearl necklace or pearl bracelet or ring that I really loved he would always buy it for me. the cleaners called me and asked me if I could drop by one day they don’t know us that well it’s just hi how are you how are you and the kids type of conversation she handed me a bag and told me to go home that was the day before Valentines .I went home and I opened the bag and in the bag was six chocolate dip strawberries and then a little bag was a tiny little angel holding her hand out. With a pearl in it I cried so hard tears of joy in it was just the most amazing thing..,Please believe that he’s around because he is trust me look for the signs you need to get up and get out of that bed find a hobby call a friend please apparently we all have contracts and your husband and my husband’s contracts were up.,, that no matter how hard we didn’t want it to be so please try trust me the other thing you could do is go see a good medium you will be amazed at the insight that they give you..,,
Thank you for replay to Connie and sharing your signs from your loved one.
Many people know what signs show them and they find them too.
Everyday can be a struggle but it is a struggle worth doing. Our deceased loved ones wanted us to be happy.
They still want us to be happy.
On what would have been my 27th anniversary, my neighbor showed up with two dozen yellow roses. She said Jesus told her to buy these for me. She didn’t know that I always received yellow roses from my love. She didn’t even know it was my anniversary. I keep looking for signs. It’s only been a little over a year, but it feels like forever. I can’t seem to get over it.
Connie, my thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope your doing ok? I lost my partner just this April to the virus, I could not be with him. We were waiting for our surgery date as I was going to be giving him a kidney. My whole world collapsed and I still don’t know how il ever go forward with life without him being part of it and everything I do, we had so many beautiful plans together and there now gone…I know he will walk by my side everyday and I will carry him in my heart forever until we meet but the sadness & pain of him not being here breaks my heart. He was such a kind caring genuine & true to his word man, he was loved beyond belief more than he ever knew and an inspiration to people around the world. I’m so lucky and absolutely blessed that he chose me to be his forever partner and love of his life…..I love the way he loved me. I will miss him deeply forever…..xxx
Lou
thank you for your comments to Connie.
I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my life plans when my wife died. It was so hard to accept.
He will always be with you in your heart and mind.
There is reunion after life, I believe, that will heal us and our partners.
Thank you
All the best
Connie… Thank you for your heart felt story. Please know there are others who you can help everyday with your Love. Please seek the wisdom and love of Jesus, who loves us all and gives us fellowship, Grace and Peace.
I feel your pain, I lost my lovely caring husband June 2020, during this horrible pandemic. I can not describe how painful it has been. I am just taking a day at a time. I have been feeling so scared, I don’t know what the future will be like without my darling husband. But I know what you are going through.
HI Karen
I am sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. The pandemic has made losing someone so much more painful.
Do you best to go through each day.
Got hit with a double whammy, lost my wife the day after Christmas unexpectedly at 44 years old, then 2/12 lost my job. The only thing that keeps me going is my 9 year old step daughter and my 4 years old daughter. Rollercoaster of emotions isn’t the word. One day I’m happy go lucky, then outta nowhere I’m crying, varied 1 minute to the next minute. Thank you for the ideas.
I am sorry for the double loss. I can relate because I lost my wife days before Christmas, and then 4 months later gave our foster daughter, through the adoption agency, to another family. Help your kids have a happy a life as possible. The one day up and then next down sound like grief attacks. They come out of nowhere and slam you. They will subside, you will find a rhythm to your life. You will be okay.
Jim, how can they lay you off two months after losing your wife? Then again, that is what this whole system has done to humanity, I was given notice the day I told my boss that my father was dying, I hope you will go back to work, even part time, because that helps to deal with the grief.
I lost my soul mate and the most beautiful lady in the world who I can say I would haved loved to grow old together with in 20th February 2016. It feels like it gets harder to cope with life as time goes on. Sometimes I really wish I would die in my sleep.
I am sorry for your loss. I also had a vision of growing old with my wife before she passed. Grief is hard, and being by yourself is hard. Life did get better for me. I joined organizations where I could participate and felt wanted. It wasn’t a total fix but I was able to focus outside of myself and after a while, the pain became less. Some days it does feel like you are going crazy because grieving is crazy: thoughts and realities can often not line up. I just keep going, trying to live the best I could and one day there was less craziness. Then the good days will outweigh the crazy ones. I can’t tell you when, or how, but they did change for me. I wish you the best and hang in there because it will be okay.
My husband died in 2005. I’ve been on 1 date 10 years after he died and felt like I was cheating on him. I haven’t tried since then and my life is so lonely
Hi
I understand the lonely part of losing a spouse and the horrid thoughts of dating.
It can be very hard to move on. You have to set your sights on what you want, and from your comments that is not being a lone.
Like anything we want to do, it takes practice, and that includes dating.
Yes, it will be hard. It will seems like cheating, it is very uncomfortable to change your mind and actions to get where you want to be.
It has been done. I thought I did it within 5 years, but I didn’t marry again until 20 years after my wife passed.
I had to get used to the idea of being with someone else, and everyone else had to get use to it too.
It takes practice. It is not cheating because the person you would cheat on is no longer here, as hard it is to say or acknowledge.
My best to you
I lost my girlfriend unexpectedly we did not know this was going to happen she had an aneurism and went into a coma well being Operated on never came out and I had to choose between her being a Vegetable all of what would be her life. I also have an 4 year old who is autistic and needs around the clock care.
My decision Haunts me everyday and It’s been a year now and I still can’t find my happy again. No Matter what I’m doing!
My husband died on November 14th of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. A year before his diagnosis it was his dream to move to Florida from New Hampshire so we did. I quit my job in Boston at age 52 he retired at age 60, and we moved. Then this past October 12, 2018 he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We came back to Massachusetts so he could be with his family (adult children from his first marriage and his siblings and his 92 year old father). He died next to me in his sleep. I have no children of my own from my first marriage and I sold our house in Florida. I did buy a condo in Florida to rent out until I am ready to return there. I have been living with my parents in New Hampshire and seeking therapy while trying to handle the devastating loss of my beloved David. I am so broken and all I want to do is hide from the world. I am an introvert by nature and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks for years which I am being for. The death of my husband and my grief and suffering has made my condition worse. I am trying to find joy again and to live.
Jenifer
My dear husband passed four years ago at age 59 from AML. I go through the motions of life with anger, sadness and hopelessness every day, but no one knows it. I feel like a fake – smiling outwardly, aching inside. No joy, and every little thing is a chore. There just has to be more.
My beloved husband died on Sept 5th, 2019. I can’t get motivated to move off of this couch. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out now. The loneliness is destroying me. My parents are gone, my sister won’t talk to me, my brother lives in another state. I can’t keep living this way. aI feel I’m standing in the middle of the world, and there’s no one there but me. The only reason I’m here, I have a son with seizures. I can’t leave him. David was my husband for 5 months shy of 45 years . We grew up together. He was everything to me. Now he’s not here anymore.
You are not alone Teresa. I am feeling your pain right now. My Partner of 23 years passed away on Feb 1st.
For me it has been haunting. Everywhere I turn, there’s a memory. It’s so overwhelming.
At night it’s probably the worst.
I think I will be okay, but it’s going to take time.
You are definitely not alone. I hear you and feel you
HI Joseph
I am sorry for your loss.
When my wife died the nights were the worst. I didn’t want to sleep, and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
You will be okay.
all my best
Richard
I lost my husband suddenly from AML too. While I am struggling through the waves of grief, that drop me to my knees, have learned that finding authentic joy is tough because we build in our own mechanism, through self pity to find the strength for purpose. It may help to search within for a passion that can open your mind to a new dimension. Finding a passion and turning it into a gift for someone else may plant a small seed of joy. Nourishing that crop may bring more fulfilling joy to you. I believe that is what is meant by the joy is in the giving. I’m challenged with my deficit joy account and need to also replenish.
I lost my husband throyghAML 4 weeks ago. He had tonsilitis and mouth sores and was tested fir Covid and then put on an antobiotic. I jst want to sleep but my adult kids keep textin and call. I was with my husband for 40 years. I am 61 he was 63. Our flights are booked forItaly in July. I lloved him.He was sick for two weeks. I want to sleep lm trying to understand what you say. I found an Angel site today and it helped.
Definitely changes over time. Is definitely worse but different as it nears the one year mark. I wonder if joy will ever return to my life. I’m starting to feel like I did before I met my husband of 31 years. You go thru the motions, you enjoy stuff, laugh at jokes, etc. But life has no joy or meaning.
I lost my husband to suicide in 2013. We had been married for 25 years and had just renewed our marriage in Hawaii 9 weeks before he took his life, he seemed perfectly normal and the happiest we had been. We lived in a beautiful home on the water in SW Florida, had a wonderful semi-retired life and my life as I knew it ended that dreadful day when he disappeared from his jobsite, missing for 5 days before he was found in his truck in a remote wooded area, he had taken his life with his gun. I’ve been grieving and trying to find my way through life now for 6 years. Could not keep the lifestyle we shared together and lost my retirement home with the fall out of his death. Fought for his union retirement, our life insurance policies, but because of his suicide and his refusal to take medications for his mental illness I was left with nothing. Lost my job 2 years after his death that I had been at for 15 years. I now live with my sister in the Pacific Northwest where I am miserable, cold and lonely. I have started a new job, but starting over again at almost 60 years old is a humbling experience that I would not wish on anyone. I’ve been getting the help I need through therapy, but that really has not helped me at all. Found some group therapy, but that does not help either. Not sure where to turn anymore, no Plan B, just a Plan A that did not work out for me. I’ve read every grief book, tried to have god in my heart, but nothing works for me. All I have is this horrible emptiness and loss. God has a plan for each of us, yea right.
Dear Yuri
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, which is tragic, but also for all the other losses that have come into your life. I don’t know what to say. My heart breaks for your losses. Say open for healing. You still have a ling life to life. Surprises do happen. They happened to me, and a friend who was in a similar situation to you. Take care
I know how you feel. 2016 we had to take our oldest daughter off life support. We tried support groups and therapists. Then nov 2019 my wife shot herself. The emptiness is over whelming. I go to work. That doesn’t help me because everyone makes me feel like they tip toe around me so they don’t upset me. The daughter I have left lives a long way off. I see her as much as possible but she worries about me and I worry about her,so we mostly try to stay busy when we see each other. Siblings just say I should remember the good times and get on with my life. Not possible. I too had no plan B. Aug 29 will/would be our 40 th anniversary. I see a therapist which may help eventually ? I wish you the best!
Lisa
You made the best decision you could at the time. You didn’t want her to live a vegetable. I didn’t want that for my wife either.
Finding happiness comes with getting back to who you are and that also includes accepting the decision you have made.
There is no timetable to find happiness, even though we want it quickly.
You did what you did out of love and that is never wrong.
I hope you find the peace and happiness you desire.
I lost my wife of 64 years ten days after her 83 birthday and all I do is cry day after day, I just turned 86 and I feel that I have no purpose in life anymore. My happiness has been to take care of her in every way possible to make her life easier. She had many health issues but always came through every time and never complained. Her death was due to negligence while in a hospital and I cannot get that anger and frustration that is keeping me in total despair. I am attending grief counseling and hoping it will help me.
Robert I am sorry for your loss. Your purpose was caring for your wife and now that is not there. What a lost and empty feeling. When they don’t comeback like they did. it is agony, and guilt. Worse, the hospital hurt her.
Grief counseling will help by helping you identify the feelings you are going through and the best way to heal from them. We wish you well. Thanks for sharing your story.
I lost my husband 1 1/2 yrs ago. Being alone is hell. I took care of him for 7 years with Alzheimers. I hear life gets better, not yet it hasnt. Don’t know what to do with my life. Can’t find a reason to go on. No one to share with. It’s tough! Did enough caregiving, don’t want to volunteer. So… where do l go from here? God has been my help. We talk a lot in the middle of the night.
Dear Retta
If God helps you then continue to talk to him. He will guide you to what is next.
A year and a half is a tough place to be: still grieving, lonely, and lost. I remember those days.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you find the place God wants you.
Grief is very hard. I lost my husband of 49 years 5 years ago and I’m ‘just beginning to feel better. Grief is life changing, but eventually you will begin to live again. “Weeping lasts for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.” Everyone is different and the time it takes to feel better varies. Every Christmas I write my spouse a letter as if he could hear me talk. I would bear my heart out. I place it under the Christmas tree in an envelop with a bow on it. That gester, art, writing poetry, and making jewelry as well as group therapy and individual therapy all made me feel better. LOOK UP! You will live again.
My husband of 36 years died sept.11,2018 it’s been a year and 5 months I struggle every day I do journal and try to stay busy helping others sometimes so much finally I get sick and sleep on and off for 3 days then do it agin I know it’s not good I seem to fall into that pattern I miss him so much. I hope one day I can pull it together just want to find my new normal.
Dear Carla
Thank you for sharing. Continue journaling as I found it a way to write out my grief. Then the day came where I didn’t want to write about it anymore. The second year of grief can be harder than the first because of the loneliness. Take care of your health, you will need it as you journey through the sea of grief. Your new normal is what you are in now, and normal will change as you process the emotions. Continue on, heal, journal, laugh and cry, and find a new normal life. I have.
I was married to my husband 53 years before his death in 2017…3 years later I still miss and cry for him..the emotional roller coaster goes on and on…I still work to stay busy…I am an RN but I don’t want to take care of anyone but me.. I cared for my parents, and my husband into their graves..I’m done volunteering for anything..Just caring for myself is all I can manage..
My Mother passed in 2016, husband 2017, son in 2018…so 3 years after my husband’s passing it’s all I can do to survive on a daily basis..
Merry
I am sorry for your losses. Grief upon grief, I can’t image that type of grief. I know the feeling of only giving to myself and not to others.
I can’t give to the American Cancer Society because my wife died of cancer. But I went out and tried to be active and give what I could of my time to others.
Eventually it worked.
I wish you the best.
So very sorry for your losses.
I lost my husband, my soul-mate, suddenly and tragically in October 2016. I was 50. On the outside, I am getting on with my life, working and enjoying my children. On the inside, I am still so broken. I get through my days by numbing out and pretending. I don’t think my heart will ever heal. Counseling hasn’t helped much for me. I don’t want to be depressed, but I can’t seem to find my way out. I’ll try journaling. Thank you for the suggestion.
I am sorry for your loss. It is difficult to heal the brokenness that we feel inside. Journaling is good. Even pretending is good as it works its way through us.
Keep living, search for your answers so that you come back to life.
I lost my husband and after 3 months lost my mum. Life took a big toll on me, not knowing now where to go . It has been 10 years but the pain is still there. I can feel you guys sharing your thoughts on your loss of life. I was very much shattered. My family was my support system. I still have that pain in my heart when am doing things alone and feeling loneliness.
It is okay to feel pain when you think about what has happened. You loved and therefor you grieve.
What can you do? What interest do you have that you can pursue?
Please try to be you without the pain. There sounds like there is stillhealing to do.
We wish you the best.
I feel empty after the death of my husband,, this February from cancer , I loved him so very much., as he did myself, everything in our lives was falling in to place, then cancer destroyed every thing. He was healthy other than cancer, it is so unfair, he tried to beat cancer but courageously lost his battle for life . I stayed with him , he didn’t die with strangers, as he wanted , this 6 days broke me. , I hope to move forward with life and will , but at this time alcohol helps easy my pain still . I know that alochol isn’t cute for a broken heart , moving on know seems impossible
I am sorry for your loss.
Yes, cancer is so unfair. It doesn’t matter if you are happy together or not, it strikes.
Watching a loved one die is difficult because you want the best for them and you don’t want them to die, but dying is putting them out of pain.
I am glad you recognize that alcohol isn’t the answer.
Hard days will come in this first year. Cry, write, sleep, and grieve. This is the year to do it so you can get on with life.
take care of yourself
I have lost my 31 year old husband in an accident in Rio while he ha was using electronic scooter, he surprised me and bought the ticket to Rio as my birthday gift… on the second day of our trip he ran over by a car in front my eyes… i was kind of died after his death I can not even believe what happened to me ? to him ? and our perfect life … we were friend for 10 years and we grew up together and we had been married for 3 years .. we were planning to immigrate to Australia and have have kids… also we named our future kids…. i am done with my life and no one can understand what I am going through? i have a supportive family but they can not help me either … they just push me to change my home…I moved to a new house with all my stuff that we had together , i sleep in his pyjamas … every day i think about commiting a suicide but i know it’s not a way to cope with
HI Sheler
I am glad you recognize that suicide is not the answer. Grieving is not an easy business, It sucks when your dreams have been taken from you.
The future is only the next day that has to be lived. Live like you want to in the house you want to. It is your grief and you need to process and and live it in your own way.
Only those of us who have lost loved ones know what it is like to live without. The others only think they know and offer advice from their perspective.
Your husband was real, he and you had a life and dreams that were real. Death is a punch in your gut.
Take it one day at a time. Just one day.
Our hearts are with you
I lost my husband of 50 years without warning December 3, 2019. We had dated since I was 16. I don;t know how to live without him. I don’t know how to be just me. My heart is broken. I cry a lot. I pray for peace and comfort. I feel like I am just going through the motions of living until God takes me home.
Mickie
I am sorry for your loss. At this stage you have to go through the motions because the pain is unreal. Crying helps too.
Finding your way can be hard with new things to learn. Learning what he did and doing everything by yourself. The is the hardest doing it all and not be able to share it with your spouse.
It takes time to heal, so be patient, one minutes, or hour at a time. You will be okay.
My husband died in January. He was 42, I’m 40. We were together for 20 years and married for 14. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I hate that this is my life
I understand early widowhood. I was only 39 when my wife died. I am now 66.
I kept waking up everyday, hating most days too. Parts of me started to come part after months, but it took years before I felt I could say I was okay.
Just get through the days as best you can. The days will hurt, the first year does. But you can survive. I did.
My husband died in January. He was 42, I’m 40. We were together for 20 years and married for 14. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. I hate that this is my life
I am sorry for your loss. I was 39 when my 38 year old wife died. It is a terrible age to be to lose a spouse.
Yes, I know the felling of hating my life when my wife died. There will be many dark days ahead but you will be okay. I am now 26 years passed the time my wife died.
I found life again.
take a minutes at time, then an hour, and then you will be able to like, and then love your life.
I was where you where. You can make it through.
I lost my husband in April 2020 at the young age of 33, he died at home in bed from complications of Covid.-19. We were together for 15 years and married 7 years this October. His death was sudden and of course nothing we were prepared for at such an early age. I wake up every day without knowing my purpose. I can put on a fake smile around family and friends but inside I’m dying. I cry for hours at a time until the late hours in the morning to just wake up and do it all over again. We had so many plans and dreams that he doesn’t get the chance to accomplish. Anytime I see a picture of him I break down. I can’t get the picture of finding him lifeless in bed after just talking with him and getting him water that he asked for 20 mins prior out of my head. It haunts me everyday. One of the last things he said to me was “I don’t want to die” and I feel like I failed him. I never knew unconditional love until I met him. We were soulmates. He never went an hour out of the day without texting or calling me to say he loves me and thank me for such an amazing life. I know he would want me to go on and accomplish our dreams but I don’t have the strength to do it without him. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I’m breathing through a straw. I would happy not to wake up in the morning knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with this daily pain.
HI Steve
I am sorry for your loss.
I was only 39 when my wife died. My brother was 25 when his partner died.
The images we have will always be with us, but they won’t always haunt us.
I am 27 years past her death and if I want to I can recall the moment we met, and the moment she died.
But I don’t live in those moments anymore.
You made a difference in someone’s life and that is huge, and to feel unconditional love back is awesome.
Your heartache is real because of your love.
Stay strong and live each day the best you can.
Sincerely
Richard
My husband of 49 years went to sleep and never woke up 3 weeks and 2 days ago and I can’t seem to get past needing to be with him. I have always thought that I was a strong person however losing him has devastated me. I miss his hands, his arms around me, his hands running thru my hair, his beautiful blue eyes, his smell….I miss HIM.
We have 4 grown children and they are trying to be supportive however I need their father. Widowed friends of ours have reached out to me and one in particular has been
a help but there is still so much of a hole in my heart. I desperately want to be with my guy. He was my purpose in life, my rock, my everything.
I am angry with God for taking him, I am angry with him for leaving me. I don’t like the person whom I am right now but I really don’t see any light at the end of any tunnel.
Hi Sheryl
To be angry with God is normal. To be angry at your husband for leaving is normal.
I was angry too when my wife died. I also had a hole in my heart that I felt would never heal.
Time has healed my heart but it took time. It won’t be easy but you will okay and that day may surprise you.
You said you miss his smell. Ah Yes, I would hug my wife’s clothes to remind me of her because they held her scent.
It takes time to heal so take the time you need.
I wish you the best
Richard
My husband died on December 26th 2019 at the age of 36 very suddenly from flu and pneumonia we’ve been together for going on 12 years this year married for four of them we have four children ages 14 to 4 and I am completely utterly lost without him he was my soulmate my everything we were perfect but I love him the good the bad the ugly all the parts of you that I would do anything to have one more day with him one more second I look okay from the outside but on the inside I’m a wreck I have to keep it together for my kids and it’s so hard my house is like a tomb you everywhere I know he’s in a better place and he’s fine I’m down here suffering terribly without him I go to Dark Places and I think I could just we could just all be with him but I know that’s not the answer but I miss him so much over these last couple months I’ve had to do things and make decisions that I never had to do before I’ve always had him there to help me and to support me and it’s been so hard so difficult I don’t think people understand what I’m going through and I’m spiraling I am but I’m trying not to let my kids see because I know they need me they’ve already lost their dad I can’t lose their mom to this is not fair you know he was so young I have so much anger in me all the questions of why we would have went to the doctor sooner if he wasn’t so stubborn maybe he’d still be here but should have could have would his huh he’s not here I need him I need him.
Hi Christina
My wife died at 38, and we had young children.
It is a terrible place to be and I can relate to what you say of having to do it all when before there was help from our spouse.
Anger is a normal feeling. Let it out in a safe way.
One of the hardest concepts for people to understand is that in our time of need the person we need the most is the person who caused the pain.
You and your kids are a team to work together to survive your loss, and theres.
All the best
I too lost my husband July 2014. I am having trouble making new life decisions in that a previous man who I was engaged 37 years ago who also lost his girlfriend to lung cancer a year after my husband and I are dating. He would like to get married to me and start our life together. He has a house and so do I. This is a hard decision for us since his house was his parents and my husband and I bought our house. We both seem to be tied to our past. How to get together has alot of emotional ties. Any Ideas?
Hi
i am glad you have moved onto the point of choosing which house to live in.
i was living in the house my late wife and I bought.
My new wife moved in and it didn’t feel like her
house to her.
I had to let go. She had to let go of her house too.
We moved to a home that was new to us. A neutral house that her and my kids could come to.
A new place to build new memories, happy memories, of the life we wanted.
All the best
We each had to let go of the past, the ties to our former spouses.
I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago to a sudden heart attack. After I left for work on a beautiful fall morning, he peacefully left. I’m trying my best to stay busy and to take care of myself, but it is so difficult to focus and to find a new normal. I feel out of place without my husband. The lyrics of a song say it best: I don’t want to go out, but I don’t want to stay at home; I don’t need company, but I sure don’t want to be alone. Without you, what do I do with me.
Hi
I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is feeling lost and not being able to focus.
I felt so out of place when my wife died. Sometimes I would sit with people just to be around people who were alive, so I could tell I was alive.
Keep taking care of your self. It is the best way through.
All the best
RIchard
My husband had passed 3 months ago because of the Pancreas Cancer. I still can’t accept the fact he was gone forever, i talked to his pictures all the times just feel like he was there in the room. Missing your loved one is heart broken. I am looking for a way to help to ease the emotion when I miss him terribly.
Dear May
The loss of a loved is hard to accept because when we accept it it changes us.
Yes, talk to him and find the comfort you need to make it through the day.
You can write him letters of what you are going through. I found writing my feelings down helped me.
Nurse your heart each day.
All the best
I feel so sorry for everyone here. I lost my husband of 34 years from colon cancer. His death was unexpected. I had been suffering from chronic kidney and liver disease and received a double transplant in Oct 2017. He passed away 2 months later on Christmas Day. Because of my condition he never let me know how serious his was. I found out afterwards that he felt confident he was going to beat it. We never had children due to my condition. Why was I given the greatest gift of all, LIFE, only to be left in purgatory. Counseling hasn’t helped.
Dear Rosemarie
My wife felt she was going to beat her cancer and didn’t confide in me.
She didn’t survive. Widowhood is purgatory.
Her life was a gift. I have accepted and cherished the short time she was with me.
There are things we do find out afterwards and there is nothing we can do with it.
Keep trying. Keep living.
All the best
I lost my husband after 50years, terminal cancer.all in 9 months,from beginning to end. It has shocked my system to such an extent I don’t believe he has gone and I’m still waiting for him to come home. He was so healthy. MY once in a lifetime, friend, lover everthing I could ask for. It’s only been 5 months,I’m numb,lost,and feel all the pretense in the world is not helping . We loved each other with passion,had our ups and downs, we were growing old together and our world was shattered,each day I struggle, I do the work,means nothing without him,my once 8n a lifetime.
Dear Nina
All the feelings of loss, numbness, and pretense you are feeling are normal.
It is such a struggle to survive the loss of our loved ones.
Keep going day to day. That is the way to see where you have been and find perspective.
All your memories will survive, but mostly the good ones.
Take care
My husband of 51 years died one year ago. We were living a wonderful life when he became so very ill with a terminal rare lung condition. It was a terrible year of watching this man I loved so very much get sicker and struggle to breath. I cared for him and did not want to loose him. I cry every day and my heart is broken. I just want him back. I want our life back. I know this thinking does not help but it is the truth. I realize that my life will never ever be the same. But I also realize that we all must work hard to find a way to go on. No one should waste the gift of life. We all need to find joy. I am working on this. I hate to be sad, always have. So I hope to find my moments of joy and share laughs with friend and family and I wish that for all of you too.
Dear Marialys
Thank you for your comments.
Your words are true to the struggle of loss and the hard work to go on.
You will find moments of joy to laugh again.
You have such a positive attitude that you will find joy.
All the best
I lost the love of my life on March 16, 2020 from a glioblastoma. It was a death sentence from the start but for 18 months we fought it — we have been together for 40 years, 24 married and my heart breaks everyday since he died – the torture inside him from the date of diagnosis is sometimes so unbearable to think about – we both raised our family, worked and lived to retire, travel and grow old together – he so deserved this and the guilt I feel along with the pain and heartbreak is horrible. No matter how much family and friends are there for support, the emptiness inside of me without him – my protector, my best friend, my soulmate, my love – is a pain I have never felt. I read all your comments and I am scared because I am struggling on how to move on and don’t know how and those of you who have lost loved ones for longer than I, are still struggling. The pain inside me is so excruciating and I don’t know how much more I can handle.
Dear Soni
Grief is the worse pain.
The first year is a struggle to make it through each day.
You can handle it. You will be okay again.
Take it one minute, hour, or day at a time, even when you feel like you will break.
Wishing you the best
On September 8th, 2018, My husband collapsed in our bedroom. He collapsed from a Brain Aneurysm. The next day I had to make the decision to take him off life support. My world came to a complete halt. We had been married for 28 years and have 3 children. Our last child has started her senior year of high school and we were dreaming of what to do next.
Almost 2 years later, I am still struggling with what to do next. With my children grown, I made the decision to leave my very unhealthy work environment. I am really struggling with figuring out what to do next and even who I am. I stumbled on this website while dealing with a night of overwhelming sadness. I felt some comfort when reading others stories.
I find grief to be a very lonely place. As everyone’s’ story is unique so is everyone’s grief.
I did go to one grief support group but left to never return. It was not for me.
I just want to say thank you for everyone that shared their story. Know that your words were read and appreciated.
Hi Gayle
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is unique to everyone because who we lost was unique.
I can relate to struggling who I am now that my spouse is gone.
Grief is lonely and you will find your way back. It does take time. It took me time.
Thank you for sharing.
All the best
Richard
I lost my best friend……my everything……my beloved husband Bob 4 years ago. He died suddenly after a short but epic battle with cancer. It has only been 4 years since his passing and I feel as the years have gotten harder since his passing. All the plans we had, “grow old with me , the best is yet to be”, giving the kids the wings and they will soon fly on their own and we can do for us!!!!! All these dreams you plan together and cancer got in the way. My husband made me feel alive. We lived and made the most of each day and night. Our life was just amazing with our four children. We made an amazing life for our blended family and always made time for all of our children who were in different stages of their lives. I had never felt love like the love I received from my husband. We adored one another and I just can not believe I have to do this life without him. I have attended many bereavement groups and I have met many wonderful people and facilitators along the way. I am feeling very alone and just hopeless as I tackle this life without my partner. Thanks for taking the time to read my comment
HI Kerriann
I am sorry for your loss. I had the same ‘grow old with me’ and lets see the grandkids dreams with my late wife. She died of cancer 8 years into our marriage and our children were 5 and 6.
Daily living was hard yet it got better. I am now 27 years past death and remarried. I have grandkids. When I think back that my late wife isn’t here to see and experience it all I get sad.
Life is good but there are always the ‘what if’ questions.
My best to you
Its been 2 and a half years since my wife of 38 years past away.. We knew each other since we were 13 years old.. As many have said the first year is foggy and very very
difficult.. The most notable thing about losing a spouse is that you find out quickly that you are consoling others rather than being consoled.. It was singly the most odd thing
to me.. To add to that.. As a man you are suppose to get over it immediately.. Well what I can tell you is you do not.. And the more amazing the person who died was the more
difficult it is.. I am thankful we were both very much in love yet also independent and practical too.. That seems to have helped me to not get completely lost in the loss of
someone so special.. But as many have said the loss will blindside you out of nowhere at the most awkward times.. You do learn to recognize what it is and that does help
getting through those moments of sadness and loss.. For me I dated rather quickly.. And though i do not necessarily recommend it.. it did help me to be balanced and not lost
in my own feelings.. And as a result met some very special people.. Have I found the one? Though I have been dating someone for a while it is not known yet.. When you have decades of history with someone the context of what is proper or even right for us goes out the window.. I can say there is hope and even fullness of life beyond such a traumatic
loss.. And choosing to live and move forward in life leaves one a bit queasy at times.. But then our loved ones would wish that we are complete and living life to the fullest right?
Do I still cry in the middle of the night? Yes.. Do I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach? yes.. Do have good days and bad days? yes.. I will say this, the person that
we lost was not perfect though the memories become almost always very positive.. Don’t forget that you worked hard at your previous relationship so put the effort into
the relationships that are meaningful to you now.. Remember that it isn’t just about you and loving others and investing in them is what you did before.. And you can do it
again.. Life is about more… So put one foot in front of the other and trust that you are still capable of loving and being loved.. Dave
HI David
Thank you for your thought and insight of your grieving process. You are right that we have to put one foot in front of another and go on with living, just like our spouses would have wanted.
The emotions are a mixed bag yet life takes on a normal rhythm after a while.
You are doing well. I can see it in your writing.
All the best
Richard